Oscar Nominations 2021

Welcome back to the Oscars blog! We took a year off because all films were terrible last year, apart from Little Women and Parasite. 

This blog is dedicated to the legend Jessica Walter.

Best picture

The Father

T: This looks like an interesting take on the ever-popular ‘dementia’ genre. It’s not being released in the UK until fucking JUNE so I have no further comment at this time. 

S: Is Anthony Hopkins the Father? Also is this like The Pope with Jude Law? Like that kind of Father? I mostly ignore patriarchal titles…

T: Jude Law was The Young Pope but Anthony Hopkins was also in The Two Popes. 

S: How many Popes are there?!

T: As far as I can see Anthony Hopkins is a regular father as opposed to the holy father.

S. I liked my time travel multiple Pope story better.

Judas and the Black Messiah

T: It took me months to figure out what this movie was. A very confusing title. 

S: I didn’t know this movie existed until I was in a hotel last week and it came up on the movies you could rent for $20. I feel like Covid has really thrown a wrench into the film industry’s press machines. But now that I know what it is and know its Lakeith and Daniel, I’m ready!

Mank

S: Fun fact: I thought Mank was The Mauritanian in a zoom call last week. 

T: I really liked Mank, but mostly because I’m an old Hollywood nerd. 

S: You old Hollywood Basic Bitch!

T: When you strip all that good stuff away it’s another one of those ‘great men’ biopics where the women run around serving him and shaking their head lovingly at his rascally ways which include being an alcoholic debt ridden gambling addict?

S: Oh I love when a female character’s only purpose is to help the broken men…NOT.  

(Yes I just did a 90s style not and I won’t apologize) 

T: Madonna does this throughout Truth or Dare and acts like it’s the most hilarious joke ever, which I guess it was in 1991?

S: Of course Madonna started the Not trend. I mean, she probably co-opted it.

T: Vogueing, Not-ing – she co-opts everything.

S: Strike a Pose. NOT.

Minari

T: I have no idea what this is but good for you Minari. I feel like in the wake of Parasite there will henceforth be like one Asian film per year that the Academy nominates.

S: Me neither…Watching trailer…please hold…

Oh actually this looks really good. Asian American family moves to a small farming town, most likely deals with racist white people, adorable kids straddling two cultures. Alright I’m in. I can rent it for 19.99 on Amazon Prime! These pandemic prices! 

Nomadland

T: Even the trailer for Nomadland made me cry so god knows what the film will do to me.

S: Okay so I watched the trailer and a new coworker called it:

“Melancholic yet Beautiful”

Kyle, New Coworker, Shopify

So now I’m actually really committed to watching this but so far I can’t find it in Canada, so I must wait. Mwoaaaaah.  

T: Viewers of the Hollywood Reporter actresses roundtable will recognise this as the sound Kate Winslet makes when she’s complaining that she’s eaten too much toast.

Promising Young Woman

S: When I first decided to rent this movie on google for about 30 dollars. (this is a call back joke cue laugh track.) I wasn’t sure I’d love it. I was just like Emerald Fennell is doing the things and I want to look up to her and love the things shes doing. And Carey is there obviously. But I was like hmm… it might be too genre for me or too gruesome? But it’s actually this super clever little film that subverts revenge films, and it’s just done so well, and it reminded me that Paris Hilton made a song called Stars are Blind that is actually pretty catchy.

T: Belated Oscar nomination for Paris Hilton! 

S: Omg yes! Best Original Song goes to Paris Hilton! 

Sound of Metal

T: Do we have to watch Sound of Metal now? 

S: We support everything Riz does, why would you even ask that?

T: I just don’t know if I want to spend two hours watching Riz try to figure out what different metals sounds like, which is what I assume this film is about.

S: What does copper sound like? How about aluminum? The big questions of our time.

The Trial of the Chicago 7

T: An Aaron Sorkin courtroom drama, so is this going to be A Few Good Men but with hippies?!

S: I’m seeing Explosion at the Wig Factory: Law and Order.

Best actress in a leading role

Viola Davis, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

Andra Day, The United States vs Billie Holiday

Vanessa Kirby, Pieces of a Woman

Frances McDormand, Nomadland

Carey Mulligan, Promising Young Woman

T: Carey Mulligan, or Mary Culligan as I like to call her, is like the census in that she only shows up once every ten years.

S: Well when Mary Culligan emerges she does good work. 

T: Oh totally. She was great in Shame and Never let me go but like it’s about time she was back at the Oscars. I love Vanessa Kirby but this film about a dead baby just seems too sad. I recall you referring to her as a generic actress when watching the roundtable.

S: Correction: Generic white blonde actress but I didn’t realize she was baby Helena Bonham Carter in The Crown at the time so I’ve forgiven her. I feel bad for her that her co-star is Shia Lebeouf too. Not a good time to be promoting a film with Shia.

T: Yeah it doesn’t seem to have done her too much harm but she’s deffo not winning. Also it’s so funny that the PR would rather focus on baby death than the fact her co-star is Shia.

S: Right?! Whose her PR person? They need a raise.

T: Viola was amazing in Ma Rainey. She gets her I BEEN STANDIN’ BESIDE YA FOR 18 YEARS bit but it’s about a bottle of coke. Guess you had to be there.

S: Viola’s co-star is a bottle of coke? Does the bottle of coke need a nom? Is this like the inanimate carbon rod? 

T: Hmm the bottle of coke is not the biggest part of the film. I’m ok with it sitting out this year. So I guess this is going to Frances huh

S: Hmm would that be three for Frances? You know what I’m going to place bets on Carey. She hasn’t won yet. It’s a #MeToo film in a historic year. Feels right, let’s go.

Best actor in a leading role

Riz Ahmed, Sound of Metal

Chadwick Boseman, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

Anthony Hopkins, The Father

Gary Oldman, Mank

Steven Yeun, Minari

T: Gary Oldman was very good in Mank but was just kind of doing his Gary Oldman thing?

S: Oh of course Gary Oldman was Mank. I think I just refuse to know this film. 

T: Chadwick was amazing in Ma Rainey.

S: Yeah it’s just going to Chadwick so we can stop talking about it? Aww now I’m just sad about the loss of Chadwick. This category is too emotional for me. 

T: Fun fact this is the first time that two Asian actors have been nominated in this category.

S: That’s actually really impressive sadly. Asian representation is even more rare than Black at the Oscars. 

Best actress in a supporting role

Maria Bakalova, Borat Subsequent Moviefilm

Glenn Close, Hillbilly Elegy

Olivia Colman, The Father

Amanda Seyfried, Mank

Yuh-Jung Youn, Minari

T: I have many feelings about Hillbilly Elegy. It’s like if it was made in 1998 it would have swept every category but it just looks terrible and exploitative. I’m happy for Glenn Close but this makes it nomination number EIGHT with no win, wtf.

S: I haven’t really looked into it but Glenn in the Hollywood Reporter roundtable was a hilarious old granny who was sort of out of touch but also was glad the young’uns were changing the world. Maybe they are going to just give it to her like a Training Day? Here you go Glenn. 

T: Amanda Seyfried was good and very charming in Mank. This category seems wide open, what do we think?

S: Yeah, This is an odd one. There was room to nominate someone from the Borat movie? Like did we not have enough women doing supporting roles this year?  After watching the trailer five minutes ago my vote goes to Yuh-Jung Youn, Minari

T: Deal.

Best actor in a supporting role

Sacha Baron Cohen, The Trial of the Chicago 7

Daniel Kaluuya, Judas and the Black Messiah

Leslie Odom, Jr, One Night in Miami

Paul Raci, Sound of Metal

Lakeith Stanfield, Judas and the Black Messiah

T: LAKEITH!

S: LAAAAA-KEITH!!!!

T: Oh, Daniel Kaluuya. Isn’t it funny how Skins turned out to be the great incubator for new British talent: Daniel Kaluuya, Dev Patel, Kaya Scoladario, Nicholas Hoult, Jack O’Connell…

S: Omg I fucking loved Skins. That is actually hilarious. Wait who was Daniel Kaluuya in skins? I’m forgetting. 

T: He was Posh Kenneth. 

S: I always thought his big break was Black Mirror. I had such a crush on Nicholas Hoult in Skins which says something about my daddy issues.

T: I feel like Leslie Odom Jr is winning this for Dear Theodosia frankly. 

S: Dear Theodosia keeps making me think I want kids lol. “Domestic life was never quite my style/ But then you smiled/You knock me off my feet I fall apart/ and I thought I was so smart”

T: That’s how the mom industrial complex gets you! 

S: Lin Manuel is behind the Mom Industrial Complex? Who knew…

T: I think this category is wide open too. I’m sensing Sacha Baron Cohen because people just really like him, but I’d like to see Daniel Kaluuya win.

S: I’ll vote for Skins at the Oscars and second a Daniel win.

Best director

Thomas Vinterberg, Another Round

Emerald Fennell, Promising Young Woman

David Fincher, Mank

Lee Isaac Chung, Minari

Chloé Zhao, Nomadland

T: Academy award nominee Camilla Parker-Bowles!

So once again this is the first time more than one woman has been nominated. Camilla & Chloe are six and seven. Eep.

Let’s list some female-made films that should have won best director:

• Clueless
• You’ve Got Mail
• A League of their own
• Lady Bird

End of list.

S: Yeah you really got them all. There aren’t any others. Honestly I just want a lady to win. Chole, Emerald. One of you please win.

T: I’m sensing it will be Chloe. 

S: Yes, I’ve just decided Emerald will get screenplay.

Best costume design

Emma

Mank

Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

Mulan

Pinocchio

T: There was a Pinocchio film?!

S: There’s nothing else that needs to be addressed in this category.

Best adapted screenplay

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm

The Father

Nomadland

One Night in Miami

The White Tiger

S: What did Borat adapt???

T: Like his previous movie I guess??

S: I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.

T: BOOM

Best international feature film

Another Round

Better Days

Collective

The Man Who Sold His Skin

Quo Vadis, Aida?

T: Regular readers of this column know that the Academy always sneaks in a film to make sure we’re still watching this part of the telecast. Fresh on the heels of My Life as a Zucchini and The Man Who Climbed Out Of The Window And Disappeared comes The Man Who Sold His Skin. 

S: Those three films are actually a trilogy. He used the zucchini for skin after he disappeared. 

T: I reeeaaally want to see Quo Vadis, Aida? It’s about your people Steph!

S: It’s my men out there! I think my people might be the villains in this film but I still want to watch!

For those readers that don’t know my heritage. Nada Coffey, my mother, was born in the Former Yugoslovia and is Serbian. That reminds me of that terrible romcom with dragon lady from Game of Thrones and she kept saying “I’m from the former Yugoslavia” which no one would actually say. And Emma Thompson was Yugoslavian. What a mess! Thomas, I’m going to need a video clip inserted here of Emma Thompson trying to be slavic. 

Best original song

Husavik – My Hometown, Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga

Fight For You, Judas and the Black Messiah

Io Sì (Seen), The Life Ahead

Speak Now, One Night in Miami

Hear My Voice, The Trial of the Chicago 7

S: I think we already decided above this goes to Paris Hilton for Stars are Blind?

T: I also enjoy the Eurovision song because that film is a hoot.

S: I keep meaning to watch that. People are really enjoying this. I’m mostly proud Rachel McAdams is funny again.

T: I think I mention this every time she comes up, but I saw her once at the LCBO on Dundas and Dovercourt.

S: Well now I have to mention the time I saw her cycling away from the Bon Iver concert with that guy she was dating for a while that I didn’t really care about because he wasn’t Ryan Gosling. The internet tells me it was Michael Sheen. 

T: She dated Michael Sheen? God he gets about. He dated Sarah Silverman for ages I seem to recall.

S: Yeah for quite awhile after the Gosling breakup.

Ryan Gosling said this on their break up at the time “The only thing I remember is we both went down swingin‘ and we called it a draw.” – Classy.

T: Oh you classy Canadians.

Best production design

The Father

Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

Mank

News of the World

Tenet

S: I think I’m fine with allowing Mank to win this category for you. “I’ll allow it.” I’m assuming it had production design.

T: It did and it was amazing. You go Glen Coco.

S: Perfect then it’s settled. One for Mank, Glen Coco.

Best makeup and hairstyling

Emma

Hillbilly Elegy

Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

Mank

Pinocchio

S: Ooh, two nods for pinocchio?

T: Pinocchio – a film that I’m not entirely convinced actually exists – got more nominations than the Jodie Foster Guantanamo movie.

And that’s the magic of the Oscars, folks! Cue Bugs Bunny outro or just play that new space jam trailer to send us out?

Oscar Nominations 2019

The highlight of your calendar is here once again as Stephanie Coffey and I discuss this year’s crop of Oscar nominations!

Best Picture

BlacKkKlansman

T: I did not see this. Am I a racist?

S: I did see this because I am not a racist. The story was intriguing but it left me wanting. Also note to Adam Driver if you ever read this: you cannot just sound like Adam Driver and convince the KKK that you are John David Washington. Act, boy! Do a voice! Try something! Anything! Phew. Okay. I’m done.  

Black Panther

T: See above.

S: The fact that you have not seen both I’m afraid does make you a racist. Your opinions for the rest of this blog can now no longer be trusted.

I am very happy for all parties involved and I champion diversity but this was ultimately just another Marvel film. This nod is the Academy begging to be relevant in the cultural zeitgeist and I say put your hand down, Oscar! No!

Bohemian Rhapsody

T: Hot on the heels of American Hustle and The Big Short, we now have Explosion at the Wig Factory III. If you don’t overthink it, this is a jolly fun romp. It’s made a shitload of money worldwide, but as for quality? I dunno. I think people just really, really like Queen.

S: My mom really liked it.

T: Go Nada!

S: I was hungry while shopping at the Indigo at the Scotiabank place and so I went upstairs with a dream to watch one of the Oscar films and eat a burger. Bohemian Rhapsody fit my schedule and it was pretty much exactly as you described. It’s fun, don’t overthink, Rami was excellent! I had a maple BBQ burger with sweet potato fries and a glass of Malbec if anyone wants to know.

T: Like, you had a full meal in the theatre?

S: So Thomas, these days they are offering a bougey VIP theatre experience in Canada. Servers come into the theatre and you order from a full restaurant menu and they bring it to your seat. It’s needlessly decadent but sometimes you gotta live a little. Amirite?

The Favourite

T: This was excellent. Dirty, sexy, off-centre, funny…my personal favourite out of all of these. And so queer! Probably a bit too “out there” for Academy voters.

S: I had always been on the fence about Yorgos. I always felt his films had such potential but just didn’t quite deliver. But this off-kilter, wide angle-using zany film stole my heart. It is also my favourite which is probably why we’re best friends and write Oscar blogs.

Green Book

T: Don’t know, I hear it’s racist and anti-queer or something so it’s a no from me.

S: Is it? It looks like it would be those things. This is me blindly agreeing with Thomas’ hearsay. I just can’t even bother to try to want to go see this movie.

Roma

S: Okay so I went to the Lightbox to see Roma in all its 4k glory. It also had some really interesting sound design. I really wanted to love this film and I created the best environment to do so. However, it kind of bored me. It needed more heart, more emotion, less camera panning.  

A Star Is Born

T: Stephanie and I just wrote a long blog about this. Spoiler: this film is only okay, and if it weren’t for the ballyhoo around a) being a remake b) being Gaga’s first lead role and c) Bradley Cooper’s directorial debut, everyone would see this is a fairly standard run of the mill musical biopic.

S: Agreed. It’s an okay first film on an unexciting topic. Bradley got a C in his High School media arts class. Without the soundtrack, it ceases to exist. The limit does not exist.

Vice

T: Or, Explosion at the Prosthetics Factory. No thanks.

S: So many prosthetics. Why do we need a movie about Dick Cheney?

Best Actress

Yalitza Aparicio (Roma)

Glenn Close (The Wife)

Olivia Colman (The Favourite)

Lady Gaga (A Star Is Born)

Melissa McCarthy (Can You Ever Forgive Me?)

T: Now then. Glenn Close is the Meryl Streep of her generation. I say this very deliberately as I believe that if it weren’t for Meryl, Glenn would be rightly recognised more widely as one of the greats. She’s seven nominations in, and it’s time she won. She’s brilliant in The Wife, as she is in everything else. The film, however? Not great. But I’m pretty sure she could swoop in and win this, especially as she won the Golden Globe and the SAG award.  

S: I agree that Glenn is exceptional. But sometimes it’s hard to stand out in a mediocre film. The performances don’t seem to resonate with me as much if the piece of art as a whole is lacking.

T: I wouldn’t be upset in the slightest if Olivia Colman won it. Hilarious but unexpectedly moving and poignant in her role as Queen Anne, I think it all depends on whether the Academy really embraces the tricky sexual politics and off-kilter tone of The Favourite.

S: It’s Glenn or Olivia or bust. I realize that’s not usually how you use that phrase but I am clearly torn. Which is why if it was up to me I would choose Olivia as she was the magnificent cherry on top of a beautifully-done movie cake. But I understand Glenn’s legendary and deserving of a win so I won’t hate on her, but in my heart of hearts this one goes to Olivia.

T: More people need to see Can You Ever Forgive Me? because Melissa McCarthy is excellent in it. Lady Gaga: well done love but you were clearly operating at the outer elastic of your ability and it showed. No Oscar for you.

S: Lady Gaga needs acting lessons. Someone teach her to act like when she’s singing. Sing-acting. More emotions please.

T: Also, screw it, replace Lady Gaga with Emma Thompson in The Children Act as that stern high court judge. She was amazing!

S: The scene where she’s crying?! Emma Thompson crying for the Oscar!

Best Actor

Christian Bale (Vice)

Bradley Cooper (A Star Is Born)

Willem Dafoe (At Eternity’s Gate)

Rami Malek (Bohemian Rhapsody)

Viggo Mortensen (Green Book)

T: In as much as I care about male actors, I was sure Christian Bale had this in the bag for Vice until Rami came along and started winning things. Yey fatsuits!

S: The prosthetics should be nominated for best actor. And the winner is: the inanimate carbon rod!

T: I wouldn’t cry if Rami won this. He was having a lot of fun as Freddie, and also we like him. The latest Bryan Singer allegations haven’t done much to dent his chances as he won the SAG and the BAFTA, so I think he has this in the bag.

S: I vote Rami because Christian Bale already won and I am still not over that time he screamed at the lighting guy. *holds grudge*

T: Bradley Cooper, no. He sounded like Cher the whole time, which amused me. Willem Dafoe I literally had not heard of this film in any awards conversation until the second this nomination was announced. Apparently he plays Van Gogh, which is fun. In fact, I change my mind. Give it to Willem Dafoe.

S: I saw a poster for this at TIFF. His head is peaking out of the bottom of the page. That’s all I know.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

Amy Adams (Vice)

Marina de Tavira (Roma)

Regina King (If Beale Street Could Talk)

Emma Stone (The Favourite)

Rachel Weisz (The Favourite)

T: I am torn. Rachel Weisz I’d never really cared about, but she was great in The Favourite. Emma Stone does not deserve another Oscar until she gives back the one she won for Blah Blah Bland #pun.

S: I actually do love Rachel Weisz and she was excellent in The Favourite so that would be fine. I am willing to barter Emma Stone’s Oscars. Emma give the other one back and take one for The Favourite. Correct history. You were excellent in this, darling.

T: Regina King is brilliant in general and she’s excellent in If Beale Street Could Talk. However the Academy hasn’t really gone mad for that film, whereas they have wholeheartedly embraced Vice. And here is where the problem lies: I love Amy Adams and I’d love to see her win…but for this? And at the expense of Regina King? Tricky.

S: Yeah, this is tricky. Amy Adams has been repeatedly looked over by the Academy and she deserves to win an Oscar but not this Oscar. There’s just a better role maybe two years down the road where she wins Best Actress like she deserves. Regina King is a legend. She’s always amazing. Marina De Tavira played the rich mom in Roma and she had a solid performance but probably won’t make much headway with these heavyweights. Hmmm. This is an excellent category. I am torn between Regina and Rachel. I love you more than anything Amy, you know that, but you’re better than this so just hold tight for your Best Actress.

T: Okay so if Amy can sit tight and wait for her Still Alice then we can give this to Regina King and everyone’s happy. Great.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Mahershala Ali (Green Book)

Adam Driver (BlacKkKlansman)

Sam Elliott (A Star Is Born)

Richard E. Grant (Can You Ever Forgive Me?)

Sam Rockwell (Vice)

T: Literally no idea what’s going on here. Give it to Richard E Grant because he was wonderful.

S: I had to wrack my brain to remember most of these performances. This was my train of thought: Oh yeah Sam Rockwell played George Bush… he’s married to Leslie Bibb…Remember Popular?

T: I do remember Popular. Leslie Bibb was also in GCB. Remember GCB? We were considering watching it and then it got cancelled. It also starred Annie Potts!  

S: I am surprised we had the willpower not to watch it. We watched all of Smash. Leslie Bibb was also in The Skulls with 90s hearthrobs Joshua Jackson and Paul Walker. It was filmed at University of Toronto! What were we talking about? This has been Leslie Bibb’s filmography.

Best Costume Design

The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (Mary Zophres)

Black Panther (Ruth E. Carter)

The Favourite (Sandy Powell)

Mary Poppins Returns (Sandy Powell)

Mary Queen of Scots (Alexandra Byrne)

T: I guess the great Sandy Powell has this sewn up (That’s punny!) I’m gonna say she wins this for The Favourite, although her threads in Mary Poppins ain’t half bad.

S: Sewing Puns. Boo. But also, it was amazing and I loved it. Yay The Favourite! Dresses!  But I too would be happy with either of her nods.

Best Foreign-Language Film

Capernaum (Lebanon)

Cold War (Poland)

Never Look Away (Germany)

Roma (Mexico)

Shoplifters (Japan)

T: Apparently Shoplifters and Cold War are both excellent so wouldn’t be surprised if they take them.

S: I’ve heard amazing things about Shoplifters, I missed it at TIFF sadly. Obama said it was one of his favourite films of 2018 so…

Also, what are the politics of Roma being best foreign and best picture? Is this allowed?

T: Oh, well spotted! What if it won both?! Interesting. At BAFTA we have a Best Film and Best British Film category, and you’ll often see multiple nominees in there.

S: Would this be the first time in history that a film won both?

Googling…

“Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Roma received ten Academy Award nominations, the highest number of nominations ever garnered for a foreign language film. No foreign language film has been a recipient of an Academy Award for Best Picture, although eight foreign language films have been nominees for the award.” – Wikipedia

Best Cinematography

The Favourite (Robbie Ryan)

Never Look Away (Caleb Deschanel)

Roma (Alfonso Cuaron)

A Star Is Born (Matty Libatique)

Cold War (Lukasz Zal)

T: Baffled as to how Beale Street missed out on this one but hey ho. A Star Is Born? Really? Weird. What on Earth is Never Look Away?

S: I don’t know but that is Zooey and Emily Deschanel’s Dad. Fun!

T: Daddy Deschanel is a cinematographer? I had no idea!  

S: Yes! Here is a YouTube interview from 2009 where Zooey tells you about her dad being a cinematographer and how she traveled around the world as a child. She’s blonde, extra zany and makes fun of Yugoslavia (my homeland) and I would watch this a lot in university.

Best Makeup and Hairstyling

Border

Mary Queen of Scots

Vice

T: What the fuck is Border?! I guess Explosion at the Prosthetics factory takes this one. I vote for, um, Mary Queen of Scots, I guess?

S: It’s won stuff at Cannes. It’s supposed to be very good. Why not The Favourite here? Write in vote for The Favourite.

T: Agreed.

Best Adapted Screenplay

A Star Is Born (Bradley Cooper, Will Fetters and Eric Roth)

The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (Joel Coen and Ethan Coen)

BlacKkKlansman (Spike Lee, David Rabinowitz, Charlie Wachtel and Kevin Willmott)

If Beale Street Could Talk (Barry Jenkins)

Can You Ever Forgive Me? (Nicole Holofcener and Jeff Whitty)

T: A Star Is Born? Right then. Back here on planet Earth, Nicole Holofcener’s screenplay for Can You Ever Forgive Me? is excellent. But let’s give this to Barry Jenkins for his insightful and inventive screenplay for If Beale Street Could Talk.

S: Like, seriously, give it up A Star is Born. Though they have basically  been shut out which has made me evil comic book happy through awards season thus far.

T: Yeah! Go on then, Barry!

Best Original Song

“All the Stars” (Black Panther, written by Kendrick Lamar, Al Shux, Sounwave, SZA and Anthony Tiffith)

Performed by Kendrick Lamar and SZA

“I’ll Fight” (RBG, written by Diane Warren)

Performed by Jennifer Hudson

“The Place Where Lost Things Go” (Mary Poppins Returns, written by Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman)

Performed by Emily Blunt

“Shallow” (A Star Is Born, written by Lady Gaga, Mark Ronson, Anthony Rossomando and Andrew Wyatt)

Performed by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga

“When a Cowboy Trades His Spurs for Wings” (The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, written by Dave Rawlings and Gillian Welch)

Performed by Tim Blake Nelson and Willie Watson

T: I reckon Gaga will take this for her shitty A Star Is Born song, which I’m fine with as it means she loses Best Actress to Glenn or Olivia. Although I bloody love The Place Where Lost Things Go from Mary Poppins.

S: The only thing I’m annoyed by is I actually think there are better songs in A Star is Born. Like what about I’ll Never Love Again, or Always Remember Us this Way? Those songs are actually quite beautiful and well produced. I also think Look What I Found is a banger but that’s just a personal aside. I find Shallow kind of annoying…is it just me?

T: Wow…someone got really into the A Star Is Born soundtrack.

S: You know what, I really did. After I saw the film I had some jam sessions while doing the dishes. A lot of the Gaga songs are good! I said before the soundtrack is great the movie sucks.

• The Oscars take place on Sunday 24 February

A Star Is Torn!

With Bradley Cooper’s A Star Is Born doing brisk business at the box office and tipped for Oscar glory, it’s come to our attention that many of you dummies may not realise that this is the fourth version of the fall and rise story. That’s right: Janet Gaynor and Fredric March first breathed life into these characters in 1937, followed by a splashy musical version starring Judy Garland and James Mason in 1954. Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson gave us their unintentionally hilarious take in 1976, and now Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga are the latest pairing to have a bash at the tale.  Stephanie Coffey and I thought we’d take the opportunity to compare and contrast each version.

T: Stephanie, you were brand new to the Stars-Is-Born genre. What did you expect of each before you went in?

S: This is interesting because my expectations did not meet reality at all. Except for maybe Gaga. I thought that I was going to be the most into Barbra’s version of the film. I didn’t know much about Janet Gaynor or even this version of the film. And though I am obviously aware of Judy Garland, having not seen her work in this film I was unaware of her emotional range. Having watched them all I was blown away by Garland and now have a strong appreciation for Gaynor. I think somebody needed to reign Barbra in. Two full songs in concert, Barbra?

T: Babs was also producing her version, so basically it was her show. Hence the backlit afro perm situation.

S: Hey, don’t knock her froperm!

T: Let’s get stuck into our first category:

BEST LADY PERFORMANCE

Janet Gaynor – Esther Blodgett/Vicki Lester

Judy Garland – Esther Blodgett/Vicki Lester

Barbra Streisand – Esther Hoffman

Lady Gaga – Ally Maine

T: For all the shit that Barbra gets for 1976, she isn’t bad here at all. Her performance has all the hallmarks of her best work. That brassy, no nonsense attitude is present and correct, and she’s really moving when she sees Kris’ lifeless body at the end.

S: That’s true. Out of all of the performances I remember thinking that she had a more appropriate response to a shitty alcoholic. She had some reservations and tenacity before she fell in love which felt more appropriate.

T: And she was the only one who got angry if I remember correctly.

S: You’re right – it wasn’t her performance that I had problems with. It was more the structure, music, plot. You know those things.

T: The little things. I getcha. Let’s talk about Judy and Janet. Fun fact: Janet Gaynor was the first person to win the Oscar for Best Actress. That’s some pedigree right there. I think she gives a very charming performance as the farm girl following her dreams to the big city.

S: Thank you for the lesson is Classic Hollywood, Thomas. I agree I don’t think it was the most memorable, but she carried the film.  

T: Yes, definitely – Janet isn’t necessarily remembered for her star persona but rather for starring in several well-remembered films, which is an interesting legacy.

S: That can be our next installment: Janet’s Legacy

T: Janet Who? The Janet Gaynor Story. Is there such a thing as a Janet Gaynor stan? 

S: Anyway, on to Judy. Who quite frankly broke my heart into tiny little pieces on several occasions even while wearing scarecrow child makeup. Thoughts?

T: What can you even say about Judy? This film has everything she ever could have brought to a role. She was outlandish and vulnerable and loud and quiet, a cracking comedian and a heartbreaking dramatic actress. And that voice. Judy knew what she was playing here: I can’t help but feel she was as much Norman as she was Esther.

S: Judy was truly a triumph who carried this film on her back and poured so much energy and dynamism into the role. This triggers my feelings about the lack I felt in Gaga’s performance. Can it be attributed to the male gaze not adequately assessing what Esther’s world looks and feels like?

T: Weirdly enough, the 2018 version is the one that takes place least from the female character’s point of view. Sidebar, I’m kind of annoyed that she’s called Ally in the 2018 version. Ally is such a bland placeholder name, just fucking call her Esther.

S: I felt the name Ally did work when you saw that synth pop billboard and it was just “Ally get into it.” But otherwise yes. And they left out the fun of when she gets her name change!  

T: Also Barbra never changes her name! She’s like I’m a Jewish girl called Esther and that is how I’ll stay. Art imitating life.

S: Oh, true. Babs is just pulling a Diane Keaton. I’ll wear what I want. I’ll play mysef. It’s fine.

T: Fun fact: the only duo not to be nominated for his n’ hers Oscars were Babs and Kris. Pretty damning.

BEST SUICIDE

Frederic March – Death by walking into the ocean

James Mason – Death by walking into the ocean II

Kris Kristofferson – Death by driving too fast

Bradley Cooper – Death by hanging yourself in your garage

T: Now apparently, Kris didn’t want to do the suicide because he said it was weak or some shit. Which if that’s not the encapsulation of toxic masculinity these films have low-key deconstructed, I don’t know what is. That’s why his death is like sort of dubious as a suicide and is never explicitly treated as such.

S: Oh wow, that explains so much. It also shows that your own assumptions about art and the human condition don’t play well in trying to tell a story. I was very confused by Kris’ death and felt like it did not make a lot of sense or complete the story in a satisfying way. I’m also a little upset because now my hot dad crush on him has slightly diminished. 

S: I personally think walking into a body of water a la Virginia Woolf (but sans stones?) is the most overly dramatic way you can off yourself. And because of the order I watched the films I think Frederic March marched right into that ocean the best.

T: And what about Bradley in the garage…?

S: At one point his eyes were quite bulgy and desperate. And when the dog was waiting outside the garage, I actually felt bad for the dog – which doesn’t always happen for me. (internet implodes.) I’m sorry – I cry at people!

T: My issue with the 2018 suicide is this: I think the conversation has moved on so much, and our understanding and sensitivity around mental health and suicide is so much better now, that it really feels quite lazy and outdated to depict suicide in this way in this day and age. Suicide as Hollywood shorthand for noble tragedy should be dead and buried, yet here we are. I appreciate they at least tried to make his addictions and mental health issues grounded in reality, but for me it just doesn’t work.

S: I think something all of the films lacked was an allusion to the connection between addiction and suicide before the male character completes the act. And that would have been a great opportunity for Bradley to update. He seemed too busy trying to sound like Eddie Vedder.

T: I agree. I think the film also fell into that trope where things are looking up for the hero, but then one slightly evil character with a British accent tells the main character that no one cares about them and then they are completely compelled by one conversation to do something incredibly drastic. I cannot wait to carve out a niche in Hollywood playing this character.

S: You’d be a great villain.

T: Thanks, thanks. So Fredric wins?

S: I think we are in agreement. Frederic wins.

BEST OUTFITS

“Ms. Streisand’s clothes from…her closet”

T: Dear God, was there ever a more iconic credit in a movie?

S: I don’t even know if we should bother adjudicating anyone else in this category. Barbra just nailed in on every level. Even when she was wearing a knit tuke and sweater to a concert in the desert.

T: Or performing her biggest hits in a pinstripe pantsuit one more than occasion in the movie. It’s just so bold. Not to mention the fact that it jars so much with the style of music, which is kind of like funk-mama with a smattering of Broadway?

S: And the pantsuit has no affiliation to anything else her character wears.

T: No exactly. She’s like kind of peasant-chic up until then, but just busts out her Papa’s church outfit for special occasions. Actually, maybe it was a really shrewd character costuming choice and we were just too dumb to notice.

S: It illustrated her coming into her own and not needing a man. It was actually very astute and feminist. To end this segment I would like everyone to take at least five minutes to look at all her desert looks.

T: Judy has some cute looks too. And I guess I enjoy Gaga’s red hair?

S: I’m going to say it was more orange? I did enjoy her Grammys look. I am going to have to dock Judy points because during her most emotional scene in the dressing room where she explains how much she’s suffering, she was dressed like a scarecrow married a small child.

T: That was so distracting! All I kept thinking was her little kid freckle makeup was getting smudged by all her tears. I guess that was the point right? I have faith that George Cukor knew what he was doing.

S: I mean maybe? But still. Points docked for a bowl cut and painted freckles. Sorry Janet and Fredric. You don’t even merit a mention in this category.

T: Barbra wins this category hands down.

SEXIEST MAN

S: As I explained above, I have a huge crush on Kris Kristofferson that is linked to my sordid upbringing of being forced to love country music. He’s such a blue collar dad babe.

S: I also found myself eyeing Freddy March. But I think Kristofferson takes it for me. James Mason’s head is too large and Bradley Cooper looks like a bird.

T: Raynor once said he looked like a lizard, and I’ve never been able to see anything else since.

S: He’s definitely some kind of jungle based creature.

T: Look, my biggest beef with Bradders is that he’s this washed up alcoholic with a fucking six pack. No. Also, he sounds like Cher the whole time, which actually was a plus for me.

S: I’m Bradley, Bitch.

T: My beef with Kris is that his character is the most obnoxious of the four. He’s so vile on every level, I find him very off-putting.

S: Ugh I clearly know nothing about him except that he’s hot, my dad had his albums, and he was very kind to Ellen Burstyn in Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore. 

LEAST OFFENSIVE MINORITY REPRESENTATION

T: The Oreos. Inventive, but what?

S: Barbra also does have major issues with her girl group called The Oreos who again just fall to the wayside when she begins to gain traction as a musician.

T: Bradley’s version, which, just to be clear was made in twenty fucking eighteen, is probably the worst offender in that respect. Gaga has one rando mixed-race friend who very swiftly gets dropped from the plot once she gets famous.

S: That actor is Anthony Ramos – he was amazing in Spike Lee’s most recent incarnation of She’s Gotta Have it and deserved better.

T: Then there’s the scene with the drag queens. Why the fuck would a drag bar let a straight Cis woman perform? The privilege is astounding.

S: Okay so I have mixed feelings about the Drag Bar but it’s only because my Drag Race Queen Shangela got her first role in a major motion picture and I am very proud of her. But really that’s my only mixed feeling, otherwise it was absolutely ludicrous to put a cis straight female at the centre of this community. I think Bradley thought he was being PC to include the Drag Community but really it just ended up being tone deaf.  

BEST MUSICAL PERFORMANCE

Judy Garland – A Trunk Melody

Judy Garland – The Man the Man That Got away

Lady Gaga – I’ll Never Love Again

Barbara Streisand – Disco for four hours

T: I’m sorry but my little gay heart votes for soul mama in a pantsuit Barbra.

S: Judy Garland’s A Trunk Melody moved me in a way I haven’t felt for a long time. It was my musical theatre How Stella Got Her Groove back.

BEST DRUNKEN INTERFERENCE AT AN AWARDS SHOW

Frederic March – Oscars

James Mason – Oscars

Kris Kristofferson – Grammys

Bradley Cooper – Grammys

T: In fairness, Bradders the bird-lizard is quite good in this scene. None of the other men piss their pants during this scene, which I feel is a nice touch.

S: Yeah I was actually very impressed by Bird-Lizard in this scene. However, it does have to be noted that his performance was piggy-backing on several incarnations before that and so he was able to elevate existing material. But he still did do a very good job. I actually also really enjoyed Freddy March.

BEST DIRECTOR

William Wellman – 1937

George Cukor – 1954

Frank Pierson – 1976

Bradley Cooper – 2018

T: Gosh! What a category. Let’s face it, 1976 is a trainwreck directorially, so no Frank, you don’t win. Incidentally, Frank was the screenwriter for the masterpiece Dog Day Afternoon, which he won an Oscar for during the making of A Star Is Born. Great work Frank!

S: Bradley you’re a very competent director for a bird-lizard, so I guess you should be proud of yourself.

T: Then I guess it’s a toss-up between William Wellman and George Cukor. I really like Wellman’s work and I think he made a very solid film with great performances. Also he wrote the damn thing so essentially he’s the father of it all. But I’m going to go with Georgey boy. Firstly I love George Cukor so of course I have a massive soft spot for him. But his version combines flashy studio musical with a dark and ugly character drama which is no mean feat. You go George!

S: I agree that were just down to Wellman and Cukor. 1976 is just a mess and Bradley though I do agree was competent, this really did have a lot of signs of a first film. Plot holes, shaky performances, odd cut choices. Great try, but I wish we lived in a world where a white man making a movie doesn’t automatically lead to giving him all the accolodates. Greta Gerwig’s Lady Bird or Jordan Peele’s Get Out were auteur level debut pieces; this was just fine.

Okay so back from my digression, I think I am with you. 1954 had everything I could want in a film and the direction was very strong for such an elaborate piece. It could have gotten away from him with all the flashy sets and numbers but it still maintained a deep sensuous poise. Although, yes, shout out to Wellman for getting the ball rolling with a great film. I liked the grandma. She shoulda been in more versions!

T: Yes! Why did Grandma disappear after 1937? She would have added so much.

OVERALL BEST VERSION

T: This is actually quite difficult. Best and favourite are two different things. For instance, 1976 is a mess but it’s a lot of fun. Whereas 1937 is very solid but I wouldn’t watch again anytime soon. I think we both agree that 2018 can get in the bin right away?

S: Yes 2018 in the bin, in the garbage, in the trash. Just no good. I am a bit less torn than you my heart belongs to Judy and I am unequivocally a 1954 STAN. The End.

Oscar Nominations 2018

It’s awards season again, and lo we have struggled through the Golden Globes and the SAG Awards before finally getting to the heart of the matter. Tradition dictates that myself, Stephanie Coffey and Ben Ladouceur convene from our different corners of the globe to discuss these hallowed nominations.

T: What a lacklustre season. This time last year I was at the movies twice a week. This year, there are only a handful of movies I give a shit about.

S: The good films I saw this year were very, very good. But there were three. I left the theatre feeling very jaded after most of my Oscar viewing expeditions. At one point I pondered, “maybe I just don’t like movies?”

B: I agree with Steph. There were a few super-high-quality films and that was it.

Best picture  

Call Me by Your Name

B: This movie gave me an insane amount of feelings. The soundtrack has been the only thing playing on my iPod for a few weeks now. So few movies have been points of obsession for me immediately afterwards like this one was. Whatever it is that it captures (still haven’t really cracked that code) it does so beautifully. Thomas, you read the book — which is better?

T: Firstly, Ben, you have an iPod? I feel like this needs addressing. I have to say the film is better. The book is very torrid and floral and romantic – it does read like a 17 year old’s frantic, romantic diary. The way this film is made up of looks and gestures and touches really makes it so evocative and ethereal enough to make it difficult to put your finger on why it’s brilliant.

S: Ben, I agree. I went alone to see this film so I could feel all my feelings privately. And this film just captures something. It’s urgent, it lingers, it encapsulates such a full range of emotions from desire to anger to insecurity to passion to angst to deep sadness. It has everything. Plus everyone’s acting – especially young Timothee. I’m so impressed with him. I feel like I’m his mother and I am like “Timothee, you’re gonna shine so bright.”  And it’s my dream to eat all my meals everyday in a summer garden so there’s also that.

Darkest Hour

S: I keep forgetting what this movie is then remembering it’s Gary Oldman trying his darndest for that Oscar. Honestly no hate on Gary, he’s served me well over the years, but I’ve just started watching The Crown and I prefer John Lithgow in the tub.

T: I feel like I’ve seen this movie before. Just this past year this could have been pasted together from Dunkirk, The Crown and that other Churchill biopic that was out. Like, I get it. I do not need to sit through this.

Dunkirk

S: I keep telling people “there are no ladies in this movie” and they’re like “it’s about war” and I’m like “….?”

T: Boys are like “You’ll be on the edge of your seat!” and I’m like “So would you if you watched The Hours!” Go away.

S: “I seem to be unraveling!”  

Get Out

T: This was such fun.

S: Brilliant genre bending political film about how we deal with race. Also Allison Williams so evil.

T: Maybe this was Allison Williams’ way of apologising for being in Girls.

Lady Bird

B: This was a wonderful and moving time. Just a series of great, tight, funny, punchy, tiny scenes, and then it’s over. It’s like a movie-length montage of the last un-self-aware years of your life. If actual comedies ever won best picture, this should win, but that’s not the case so it won’t. It doesn’t depict enough big sinking ships full of dirt-caked men.

S: Lady Bird was my favourite thing ever and I am not biased at all even though I was a teen girl growing up in the early 2000s who did drama and secretly liked the song Crash into Me by Dave Matthews. I’m completely non-partisan.  

Phantom Thread

S: This film confuses me. It’s directed by Paul Thomas Anderson and stars Daniel Day-Lewis and The Dresses but the trailer just doesn’t look great, and I don’t know how they could fuck that up but I fear they might’ve?

T: Okay, so no one has seen it? Safe to say that we will see it at some point and be like oh that’s good and then never, ever, watch it again just like most PTA movies?

S: Agreed. We’ll watch it to seem cultured, accept its merit and then watch better PTA movies like There will be Blood or my personal fave The Master. RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman.

The Post

T: This was excellent. It’s exactly what you think it’s going to be.

S: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this is a movie you take your mum too. Period.

The Shape of Water

S: I feel like American Hustle is happening to me all over again. I saw the movie. The movie had plot problems and didn’t engage the audience. The movie was visually striking so somehow blinded everyone into liking it. I expect more than just flashy fish monsters. I need STORY.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

T: Isn’t this movie racist or something?

S: Is it?! I think Frances is like rednecky but I haven’t heard racist rumours.

T: Here ya go.

Best actor

Timothée Chalamet, Call Me By Your Name
Daniel Day-Lewis, Phantom Thread
Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out
Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour
Denzel Washington, Roman J Israel, Esq

T: GO TIMMY! But Gary Oldman is going to take this. I say we erase his nomination and put in John Lithgow for The Crown. Since they decided that the 18-episode season of Twin Peaks is a movie, I think we can all agree The Crown is now a movie.

S: I hate Oscar politics because this should go to Timothée or Daniel…Kaluuya. Not Day-Lewis as he has like seven Oscars and uses them for odd jobs like a paper towel holder or to prop open the kitchen door while he’s cooking so the smoke alarm doesn’t go off. But they won’t give it to an incredibly deserving rising star. It will go to a snore-fest biopic face-morphing actor who was owed for like Batman or something.

T: Daniel Kaluuya’s performance was brilliant because for once we had a horror movie where the man was the final girl and got to be vulnerable yet badass and play all those notes. Timmy was the best. His performance was so natural and beautiful. The credits sequence where he looks into the fire, into the camera, into the souls of the audience, was just stunning. Hard to match in terms of emotional intensity this year. But no. Churchill impression takes it. Sigh.

B: The fireplace ending made me melt.

T: Also: Denzel plays…a Roman? An Israelite? Is it Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat in move and no one told me?  

S: I had to Google it cause I had no idea. “Denzel Washington stars as a driven, idealistic defense attorney whose life is upended when a turbulent series of events challenge the activism that has defined his career.”You couldn’t be more wrong

T: Sounds like a snore, too…

Best actress

Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water
Frances McDormand, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Margot Robbie, I, Tonya
Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird
Meryl Streep, The Post

S: This is so bittersweet. I adore Saoirse and feel like she had the performance of a lifetime. Excellent role excellently acted. Sally Hawkins was brilliant in an otherwise lacklustre paint by numbers film. Frances is France,s a legend. I really want Saoirse to win but she won’t, she only gets her Globe.

B: I also want Saoirse to win but just to be difficult I’ll say Margot Robbie, who was extremely unconvincing as a fifteen-year-old girl but otherwise killed it, often on ice.

S: Yeah like guys get one more person to play her as a teen. Do you know what’s funny, Ben. I read a review of I, Tonya and they were like Margot Robbie is way too tall to play Tonya Harding. Tonya Harding was tiny. So I Googled it and this review was right, she was like 5”2. So that whole story threw me off.

T: This ‘my side of the story’ Tonya thing is bullshit. She allowed her opponent to be attacked, and now we’re meant to sympathise? No thanks. I’m saying this not having seen the film, but putting Tonya herself front and centre this awards season has been a mistake I feel.

S: So the movie isn’t that great I have to admit. But it did lead me to watching some E! True Hollywood Stories. It is a really bizarre case. There is a chance she never knew about the assault. I’m not sure how I feel about parading her around awards season. Like I’d rather Emma Stone with the Tennis Lady. Feels more appropriate. But it’s a subpar movie that led me on a road down figure skating’s sordid past so there’s that…

B: Emma Stone was an excellent tennis lady. Battle of the Sexes was just too hokey and safe to be an Oscar movie. But it made me happy that hokey safe movies can have gay leads now and still remain hokey and safe.

T: I know I’m a Streep Freak, but actually The Post was her best performance in a decade. Frances is great I’m sure – you should watch Olive Kitteridge – but I dunno.

S: I’m sorry you just can’t really be trusted when it comes to Meryl. You like Mamma Mia. I am going to get stoned but it’s a bad movie.

T: You didn’t even watch to see her iconic rendition of The Winner Takes It All, so you can button it.

Best supporting actress

Mary J Blige, Mudbound
Allison Janney, I, Tonya
Lesley Manville, Phantom Thread
Laurie Metcalf, Lady Bird
Octavia Spencer, The Shape of Water

T: Yey Leslie Manville, I love her! I once walked past her on Oxford Street.

S: Allison Janney! Because this is really just her retroactive award for the Academy completely disregarding her mind-blowing performance as Loretta in the 1999 classic Drop Dead Gorgeous. See Best of Loretta compilation below:

B: But Aunt Jackie did real good you guys! I feel like Janney is great and we all know that, but Aunt Jackie did a whole lot more with her role. Her face did all kinds. Janney just did the one face super well.
S: Ben makes a good point with the faces…

T: Yeah this is Laurie Metcalf’s retroactive nomination for playing the killer Debbie Salt in Scream 2. Such an excellent portrayal.

S: OMG Billy’s Mom! She wins! That’s it.

Best supporting actor

Willem Dafoe, The Florida Project
Woody Harrelson, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Richard Jenkins, The Shape of Water
Christopher Plummer, All the Money in the World
Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

T: I really wanted to see Michael Stuhlbarg in this category. Less so Armie Hammer. Steph you didn’t like his big speech at the end if I recall?

S: No the speech was too much, I’m cold hearted. I feel like Michael Stuhlbarg was like an in-the-background dad for most of the film. I’m surprised by no Armie. Armie did things

B: I have zero feelings about any of these. I think Best Supporting Actor should go to Allison Janney so that Aunt Jackie can have Best Supporting Actress and no one gets upset that way.

S: Ben you’re a genius. No hurt feelings is what I’m most concerned about at these functions. In the event that doesn’t happen I’m going to randomly pick Willem Dafoe.

T: Fuck it, give it to Christopher Plummer because I was in Austria on The Sound of Music tour over Christmas and I just feel close to him.

Best director

Paul Thomas Anderson, Phantom Thread
Guillermo del Toro, The Shape of Water
Greta Gerwig, Lady Bird
Christopher Nolan, Dunkirk
Jordan Peele, Get Out

T: YES GRETA! YES JORDAN! Boo for Luca Guadagnino not being nominated! I guess people think Call Me By Your Name directed itself?

S: If they dropped Nolan for Guadagnino I’d be in love with this category. Oh, and if Greta or Jordan won. Shape of Water wasn’t good. “Am I taking crazy pills?” – Mugatu.

B: Yeah, Greta Gerwig should win this.

Best adapted screenplay

Call Me by Your Name
The Disaster Artist
Logan
Molly’s Game
Mudbound

B: Molly’s Game but only because I measure this according to word count. But also I wouldn’t mind if Logan won this because that was a good movie that I watched on a very fancy plane ride that I’ll never forget the fanciness of. Mostly I want my plane ride to win an Oscar, and giving this to Logan is what comes closest.

S: The movie I liked the most was Call Me By Your Name so I think by logic that should be my favourite adapted screenplay. But Ben I am really happy about your plane ride. Maybe you can regale us with details of why it was so fancy and you can sway me to vote for Ben’s Plane Ride.

B: The plane was real big and cozy and we all got our own TVs and the TVs had movies but also had games? Like you could play Hangman and Battleship and shit. I watched Logan and Nine to Five, and I feel like most people don’t watch those two particular movies one right after the other? And maybe the fancy plane somehow noticed my eclectic choices, via microchips I wanna say? And it went to itself “you know what, the person in that seat is interesting.” After my fun double feature I played Hangman until we landed. It was super easy to win because the computer I was playing against made terrible choices letter-wise. It kept thinking there would be Q’s and Z’s and it’s like, not likely. The end.

S: Ben you did a really good job at explaining your flight. I feel like I was there. It sounds really nice. Games? Wow. That’s pretty impressive. Qs and Zs pfft. C’amon Computer.

T: OK Ben thanks for that really detailed description of your flight. So, Call Me By Your Name wins this, mostly because James Ivory is Ivory of Merchant Ivory who did A Room With A View, Remains of the Day and Howards End, and they’re all amazing, and I think this movie shares a lot of that queer DNA. Plus he’s 89 so that would be fun before he dies like 20 minutes after the ceremony.

Best original screenplay

The Big Sick
Get Out
Lady Bird
The Shape of Water
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

S: LADY BIRD LADY BIRD LADY BIRD. I just really liked this movie okay?

T: Go for it Greta, because you’re not winning best director.

Best song

Mighty River, Mudbound
The Mystery of Love, Call Me by Your Name
Remember Me, Coco
Stand Up for Something, Marshall
This Is Me, The Greatest Showman

B: Sufjan’s Mystery of Love! I saw him in New York once on the street at a thingy. It’s no Leslie Manville on Oxford Street, but it’s what I’ve got.

T: Um his song Visions of Gideon I felt was more like the actual signature song of the film – “IS IT A VIDEOOOO?”

S: Oh is Mystery of Love a Sufjan Song? I felt like I knew this floaty band somewhere from my early 20s cool girl but mostly emo indie phase. I love that song and it made Call Me By Your Name even more dreamy and floaty.

Best cinematography

Blade Runner 2049
Darkest Hour
Dunkirk
Mudbound
The Shape of Water

S: You know the only thing I really liked about Blade Runner was how visually striking it was.

T: Lol, as if I saw Blade Runner.

S: I think the answer is Shape of Water or Dunkirk. You know what I don’t think my heart is in this category. I don’t care about any of this. I am writing in CMBYN. Northern Italy ‘nuff said.

T: Yeah let’s write-in Call Me By Your Name for all its swoopy loveliness.

B: Here’s a hot take, why wasn’t “IT” nominated for any technical thingies? That movie did its thing very well and made me scream like four times.

T: Oh yeah that’s a good point, also no nominations for Wonder Woman! Deary me…

Best costume design

Beauty and the Beast
Darkest Hour
Phantom Thread
The Shape of Water
Victoria & Abdul

S: Victoria and Abdul. I’m just throwing one to Dame Judi. Period drama I’m sure the costumes were lovely.

T: No. Dame Judi cannot coast because of her imperialist racist bullshit movie. She has to learn that it’s not okay. I say this goes to…like, Phantom Thread, because it’s about dresses or whatever.

S: Oh true. It probably is pretty imperialistically racist. Okay two votes for dresses.  

T: Although I did expect to see The Post in this category for its period-appropriate hideous outfits.

Best score

Dunkirk
Phantom Thread
The Shape of Water
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

S: I am questioning the Academy big time on this. Ben is so right that Call Me By Your Name had an amazing score that you think about after and the film has so much music. Timmy on the guitar! Okay, let’s be real here towards the end. The only three movies I had any use for this year were Call Me By Your Name, Lady Bird and Get Out. So if you aren’t those movies, you don’t exist to me. The limit does not exist.

T: Solid Mean Girls reference.

Best production design

Beauty and the Beast
Blade Runner 2049
Darkest Hour
Dunkirk
The Shape of Water

S: In this category I will allow The Shape of Water to win ONE Oscar. It was very nice to look at. But only one.

T: I vote Call Me By Your Name. Also I vote Mother. I don’t care what anyone says. Mother was great but it was challenging and everyone is too fucking stupid to get it.

S: I believe you. It must have been really batshit. The academy likes Darren. No, they like movies like The Shape of Water which are like so complex but is really just a bargain bin Beauty and The Beast and they play old timey music so it’s like so old hollywood and we love it. Boo.

• The Oscars will be presented on March 4th.

Emmy Nominations 2017

Well, what a year it’s been in television. From Bette and Joan to Lily and Jane, all the faces are here. Joining me to discuss those faces are Stephanie Coffey and Ben Ladouceur. 

Drama Series

This Is Us

The Crown

The Americans

Stranger Things

The Handmaid’s Tale

House of Cards

Westworld

Better Call Saul

BL: I feel like Handmaid’s Tale will take it because it’s so relevant socially. It’s like, the show of our times.

T: I know it’s been said many times before, but it truly feels like we’re just a few steps away from the world that The Handmaid’s Tale flashes back to, so it gives us a glimpse into a future that feels entirely possible right now. A sci-fi dystopia this ain’t. Aside from the excellent timing of the show, it’s brilliantly written, acted and shot television – a sure winner for any year. The Crown is also brilliant, but much more traditional, I suppose. I say Handmaid’s Tale or The Crown takes it.

SC: I would just like to say I watched one episode of This Is Us and it was really bad.

T: You know what? I watched the first couple, and I would happily have got together with you and watched it and eaten pizza and cried over the cheesy nonsense storylines. But alas it just doesn’t fit into my life.

SC: We would only watch it for Fat Mandy and her weight loss problems but okay, maybe you are right. I will go with The Handmaid’s Tale.

T: I feel like we should have watched The Americans but honestly it just doesn’t interest me. Good for it though, I hear it’s good. Fun to see Strangers Things here, I guess.

SC: I feel like Stranger Things was just like Steven Spielberg porn. It was just like “here is the 80s! Remember?!”

T: Westworld is a big bag of no.

S: The robots were cool. The story blew.

T: Wait there were robots? I thought it was cowboys or some shit?

SC: Thomas the robots were cowboys…or were the cowboys robots?!

T: MIND. BLOWN.

Actor in a Drama Series

Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul

Sterling K. Brown, This Is Us

Matthew Rhys, The Americans

Kevin Spacey, House of Cards

Anthony Hopkins, Westworld

Liev Schrieber, Ray Donovan

Milo Ventimiglia, This Is Us

T: Don’t care. Give it to Sterling K. Brown, he was great in OJ. Milo is hot. Team Jess! (shoutout to my Gilmore Girls fans wooo!).

SC: You and everyone else who has a Netflix account will enjoy that shout out. You are all lemmings!

T: How?!

SC: Netflix totally told you to watch Gilmore Girls. It told everyone.

T: I’m so glad it did. Best show ever. Okay look we’re getting sidetracked because we don’t care about this category. Who do you want to win?

SC: I glanced through and I decided Bob Odenkirk. I watched the first season of Better Call Saul. I liked it. I liked that weird show he did with David…?

T: Cross.

SC: Yes, Tobias. Give it to him.

T: Yeah I like Bob, he’s good, I can handle him winning.

Actress in a Drama Series

Claire Foy, The Crown

Elisabeth Moss, The Handmaid’s Tale

Robin Wright, House of Cards

Viola Davis, How to Get Away with Murder

Keri Russell, The Americans

Evan Rachel Wood, Westworld

T: Gotta be Lizzie. Although Claire Foy would be great, but she hasn’t won anything at the Globes or the BAFTAs so I doubt it.

B: I hope you’re right about Lizzie.

SC: Yes it has to be Elisabeth. Like I stated above she’s the backbone of everything she is in and she kept getting snubbed and it’s not okay. Give her one right now. She’s very good. And did you know that she chose the colour of red that robes were going to be? Talent!

T: What a fun fact! I didn’t know that. Go her! Here’s another fun fact: all her shows win Best Drama! Picket Fences, West Wing, Mad Men. All winners. This bodes well.

S: She is the four leaf clover of Emmy dramas. Now give her one for herself please. She shouldn’t have to share.  

BL: What’s… what’s Picket Fences?

T: Picket Fences was a CBS drama about a small town that ran from 1992-1996, starring Tom Skerritt and Kathy Baker. There’s nothing else to say.

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

John Lithgow, The Crown

Jeffrey Wright, Westworld

Jonathan Banks, Better Call Saul

Michael Kelly, House of Cards

Ron Cephas Jones, This Is Us

Mandy Patinkin, Homeland

David Harbour, Stranger Things

T: I love John Lithgow, he was great in The Crown. You go for it. I’ve loved him since 3rd Rock from the Sun.

BL: Yes. Even though I feel like 90% of his work in this show is just having big old man jowls. But that’s how it should be.

S: Okay yes I’m fine with him winning this. I don’t care about this category much besides him. I want to see that movie he made, Love Is Strange. Looks good. Have you seen it?

T: You know what? I tried. It’s a rich white people problems drama that’s pretty unengaging. Or else I wasn’t in the mood. I dunno. I was underwhelmed.

S: Oh darn. I was hoping it would be a tearjerker. Well I’m sure something else will come out where he’ll be someone’s dad.

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Millie Bobby Brown, Stranger Things

Chrissy Metz, This Is Us

Thandie Newton, Westworld

Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black

Ann Dowd, The Handmaid’s Tale

Samira Wiley, The Handmaid’s Tale

B: Where’s Winona Rider for Stranger Things? Specifically, the nomination should read “Winona Rider’s face and tear ducts, Stranger Things.”

T: Everyone thought Winona would get nominated. But she was. So. Bad. So bad. But like…in a really compelling way. OMG maybe she was doing terrible 80s movie Mum acting? Maybe her whole performance was genius?

BL: I think that was it. The whole show is so campy, so I feel like she decided to lean into the camp, or else the directors knew that that was what she’d do and just let her go for it.

S: Poor Winona. She’s always been so pretty but could she ever really act? She just kind of chews her cheeks and speaks monotone. She’s got a great agent though.

T: Uzo Aduba, stop being nominated please. There are better people in the cast.

S: Yeah I don’t understand that. Don’t get me wrong. Don’t send us hate mail (if anyone actually reads this), I love me some Uzo Aduba but can’t we just throw some other amazing actresses on OITNB a nod. Suggestions: Laverne Cox. Or Samira Wiley – double nomination! Or Danielle Brooks!

T: Ahem, Laverne is up for guest actress.

S: Why?! She’s on the show!

T: Nah man. She’s barely there anymore. She’s off making shitty procedurals with Katherine Heigl. Also, fun fact, if you appear in less than 50% of the eps in a season, you can go in as Guest. Extra Emmy nom, win.

Comedy Series

Veep

Master of None

Black-ish

Silicon Valley

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Atlanta

Modern Family

S: Ooh this category is fun. Finally some room to debate! I’m between Atlanta and Master of None. Kimmy can have it next year.  

T: I can’t forgive Master of None for that godawful Manic Pixie Pasta Girl bullshit they pulled. Angela Bassett episode aside, I found that it kinda ruined the season.

S: I know I know. Pasta Girl was Al Dente. HAHA!

T: That joke…doesn’t even…what…?

S: But the other episodes Thanksgiving, I Love New York I was losing my mind!

BL: Stephanie feels no need to explain the joke. If we don’t get it, it’s our loss.

T: Those episodes were transcendent, I agree. But then he let us all down very badly.

S: Okay if we are going for a solid epic season then I have to give it to my man Donald Glover. I hope he reads this. This show was epic, poignant and also really funny. He’s already got a Globe, give him an Emmy!

T: I’d be fine with him winning an Emmy. I still need to watch this show. Um, can we talk about the lack of a nomination for Transparent? I mean, I get it, it’s not a comedy, but still. Great TV.

S: Oh, true. Yeah that should have always been in the drama. That’s a straight up The Martian faux pas. I am disappointed too now that you mention it. Jill Soloway is everything.

T: But what wins here? Probably Veep again?

BL: I watched the complete latest season of Veep on planes this year because I guess that’s what my life is now. It’s good and will probably win, even though sometimes it does that comic-panel-from-The-New-Yorker thing where it’s not that funny but it somehow communicates to you that if you don’t find the joke uproarious it’s your own fault because you’re not a very sophisticated person.

T: Whereas when Armando was still running the show, it was actually hilarious.

S: I bet you Atlanta. They are winning things. I’m telling you.

Actor in a Comedy Series

Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Aziz Ansari, Master of None

Donald Glover, Atlanta

Anthony Anderson, Black-ish

William H. Macy, Shameless

Zach Galifianakis, Baskets

T: Zach Galifianakis can do one. Don’t care about him. Give this to Donald, amirite? Or Jeffrey.

S: Yeah I think Donald for this one. Although it’s always tricky when you are the star of your own show. It’s less acting and more like embodying this version of yourself. When I looked at Aziz and Donald I was like I feel like what they’ve created is amazing as a whole. I know, I know, you don’t like Manic Pasta Dream Girl. However, besides Tambor, this category is light so I am going to go Donald.

T: It really is. Go for it, Donald.

BL: I feel like it will probably just go to Tambor though.

T: …probably.

 

Actress in a Comedy Series

Julia Louis-Dreyfus Veep

Tracee Ellis Ross Black-ish

Ellie Kemper Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Allison Janney Mom

Lily Tomlin Grace and Frankie

Pamela Adlon, Better Things

Jane Fonda, Grace and Frankie

T: JANE FUCKING FONDA. She smashed it.

BL: Yes. If my math is right then this nomination is for the second season of Grace and Frankie? In which case it should be Jane Fonda because of her multi-episode binge drinking. She acts drunk super well, and when she makes terrible mistakes, we’re all there, making them with her.

T: It’s not, but what you say still stands. Um, who on Earth is Pamela Adlon and what is this show?

S: I just tried Googling her and I’m less clear. Also funny reading-lol moment. I was just like what is this show Janney Mom. What’s Allison up to?

T: Allison stars in Janney Mom, coming this Fall on NBC. I would watch that show.

S: We’d binge watch the shit out of that. What do you think Allison Janney is doing right now?

T: She’s getting hammered on her wagon of Emmys.

S: Just draped in Emmys.

T: Sounds painful. Umm JLD has won this category for five years running…can anyone unseat her?

S: That’s pretty legit JLD. Remember when she played the blind lady in Arrested Development?

T: Yes, and it was genius. Please can we give this to Lily Tomlin now please?

S: You know I would give anything to Lily if she needed it. It’s hers!

BL: Fine by me.

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Alec Baldwin, Saturday Night Live

Tony Hale, Veep

Louie Anderson, Baskets

Tituss Burgess, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Ty Burrell, Modern Family

Matt Walsh, Veep

T: So Alec Baldwin is here. Okay then. For that shitty Trump impression.

S: Really Alec Baldwin shade? I wasn’t expecting that.

T: From me?

S: Do you hate Alec Baldwin?

T: OMG no! I just…hmm…I dunno. Surely there are more people who could have taken this slot?

S: Ah I see. Eh, let him have a nom. Maybe not a win though. It was pretty hysterical.

T: No not a win. We all know this HAS to go to Titus.

BL: Completely. Let him have it.

S: I was just going to say. Let’s get back to the real issue which is how Titus is the funniest person alive. And how he resembles you and also a pug dog.

T: Tina Fey stole my life to write Titus. I’m going to sue her. Or at least demand half of this Emmy.

S: Omg remember when that company stole Titus’ likeness to sell sassy gas products. THAT’S YOU!

T: So meta, Tina.

S: Please insert a photo of you Titus and a Pug below this category. Thank you.

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Kate McKinnon, Saturday Night Live

Vanessa Bayer, Saturday Night Live

Leslie Jones, Saturday Night Live

Anna Chlumsky, Veep

Judith Light, Transparent

Kathryn Hahn, Transparent

T: Right so how did THREE SNL ladies get in here? I mean, good for them, but kinda makes for a dull category.

S: I was like yeah sorry cut Vanessa Bayer, maybe? Also. who cares…JUDITH AND KATHRYN.

BL: No, I liked Vanessa Bayer’s weather girl who was too nervous to talk properly. Also I think it’s her last season so this is the last-hurrah nomination.

T: Judith wins for Hand in my Pocket. Kathryn wins for best actress alive. The new Meryl. A tie? Anna Chlumsky go home.

S: New Meryl. So bold. Yeah, I just love Kathryn. She can do literally no wrong, ever. Although that Judith and her Alanis. The judges will never be able to decide. It has to be a tie. And they can lipsync for their lives to see who wins. I’ve been watching too much Drag Race.

T: WHERE’S JANE KRAKOWSKI?

Best Actor in a Limited Series or a Television Movie

Robert De Niro, The Wizard of Lies

Riz Ahmed, The Night Of

John Turturro, The Night Of

Geoffrey Rush, Genius

Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock: The Lying Detective

Ewan McGregor Fargo

T: I’m so glad Robert De Niro got a nomination for that Wizard of Oz remake or whatever.

S: I heard it was good. I almost watched it with my sister but then we watched Bad Moms instead which KATHRYN HAHN is in.

T: She’s getting a lot of Oscar buzz for it.

S: That’s a joke right?

T: If I had it my way…anyway, I don’t care about these people, give it to Riz Ahmed because he’s the best.

S: Okay look was The Night Of amazing? No. Is Riz Ahmed the biggest QT babe that I have such a crush on? Yes. So there you have it.

T: Crushing haaaaard. Okay happy Emmys Riz!

Best Actress in a Limited Series or a Television Movie

Nicole Kidman, Big Little Lies

Jessica Lange, Feud

Susan Sarandon, Feud

Reese Witherspoon, Big Little Lies

Carrie Coon, Fargo

Felicity Huffman, American Crime

T: Holy Christ. Best category ever.

S: Yeah this is literally your wet dream of a category.

T: Ew, but yes.

S: Ha. Okay I’m sorry everyone was great but NICOLE acted the MOST.

T: You know what……….I completely agree. Nicole wins.

S: If you don’t believe us just watch Nicole’s therapy scene where she displays 700 emotions without saying a word.

T: If anyone was unconvinced of Nicole’s towering genius, this show will change their mind. Abso, 100%. Now then, Felicity Huffman you’re a genius, I love you, but you’re going home empty-handed along with Carrie Coon.

S: Ha. We could have left it at just praising Nicole but you just had to throw shade on Felicity.

T: I was getting them out of the way so I could focus on the big juicy performances by Jessica and Susan as Joan and Bette.

S: Fair. I mean Felicity isn’t going to win, let’s be real. Jessica and particularly Susan had a great year. I love Susan’s Bette. Big shoes too. Impressive.

T: Susan WAS Bette. There were times I had to blink a few times and remember that it wasn’t actually Bette on my screen. It was a mesmerising performance. Although Jessica didn’t become Joan in quite the same way, she absolutely smashed it and gave a towering, heartbreaking performance. If it was Jessica V Susan I think I’d give it to Jessica.

S: It’s almost sad we have so much talent in the same category. I feel like summoning up some pageant tears and declaring “we are all winners!”

T: Nicole should break her trophy and give pieces to everyone else.

S: One piece for Regina George!

Best Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or a Television Movie

Stanley Tucci, Feud

Alexander Skarsgard, Big Little Lies

Alfred Molina, Feud

David Thewlis, Fargo

Bill Camp, The Night Of

Michael Kenneth Williams, The Night Of

S: I feel bad saying Skarsgard should win because Perry was so creepy and terrible but it was a really good performance.

T: Agreed. It feels weird, but he was incredible. Personally, I’d give this to Alfred Molina.

S: Yeah it’s awks to award spousal abuse so maybe we should give it Alfred Molina. Or how about Stanley Tucci? He’s always sidekicking around.

T: Oh he was great in Feud. Where he screams CUUUUUNT about Bette Davis. So great.

S: Sounds like we’ve made a decision: Stanley Tucci for yelling CUNT at Susan Sarandon…Is that awkward too though? I don’t know, I’m lost in this category.

T: Tucci wins for saying CUNT. Deal.

Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or a Television Movie

Regina King American Crime

Michelle Pfeiffer, The Wizard of Lies

Laura Dern, Big Little Lies

Judy Davis Feud

Jackie Hoffman, Feud

Shailene Woodley, Big Little Lies

T: Shailene Woodley, go home.

S: Ugh she is the one thing wrong with Big Little Lies. You know I was talking to someone, (might have been you) and we were saying how Reese literally had the worst plotline and she was mesmerizing. Shailene you had rape survivor single mom raising a child and you were like watching paint dry. Why Shailene? Why?

T: I know right? She was way out of her depth. Judy Davis was hilarious as the gorgon Hedda Hopper, and Jackie Hoffman was also brilliant as Mamacita. But for me this goes to Laura Dern. Or does it? Did she do that much?  

S: Yeah I might be blinded by my Laura Dern love. Like I can literally watch that Frozen Birthday Party Drama for dayz. But I think one of the Feud ladies might be more deserving. I bet they will give it to Shailene.

T: Ugh please god no. I vote for Judy Davis.

S: I like the character name Mamacita so she gets my vote.

Limited Series

Big Little Lies

Feud: Bette and Joan

The Night Of

Fargo

Genius

T: This goes to BLL right? In my heart it goes to Feud.

S: Yeah it’s def going to BLL. I’m happy though. That show was all kinds of genius and it only did SEVEN fantabulous episodes. Get in there, make a great show, get out.  

TV Movie

The Wizard of Lies

Sherlock: The Lying Detective

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks

Black Mirror: San Junipero

Dolly Parton’s Coat of Many Colours

T: Dolly. Parton.

S: Haha of course. Look I’m sorry I can’t go down that road with you because San Junipero was the most heartbreakingly beautiful thing i saw this year and I sat and bawled alone for 5 minutes after the credits.  

T: OK I’ll go with that.

S: Wait till Ben gets here. I know he’ll agree with me.

T: No he won’t he doesn’t understand women, esp. Lesbians.

S: Ben stand up for yourself poindexter!

BL: The only correct I have to make is that I understand lesbians slightly better than I understand straight women. But yes, I completely agree with Stephanie, San Junipero is possibly my favourite thing I watched last year.

T: I just really think the academy should like pull a shocker and give it to that shitty Lifetime Dolly Parton movie. Can you imagine the uproar? It would almost be as good as accidental La La Land Oscar envelope non-winner gate.

Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series

Ben Mendelsohn, Bloodline

Hank Azaria, Ray Donovan

Gerald McRaney, This Is Us

B.D. Wong, Mr. Robot

Brian Tyree Henry, This Is Us

Denis O’Hare, This Is Us

T: I don’t know what these words mean.

S: This category is a snoooooreeeeeee. Why is everyone from This Is Us? It isn’t good.

T: Fuck they’ve really gone for it right? I vote BD Wong, whoever he is. Maybe he plays the robot on Mr Robot, I don’t know, I don’t care.

S: Yes he plays the Robot that convinces all the other robots to perform a broadway musical ROBOTS!

T: Oh shit that’s what this show is? I should get on that…

S: yes you can here the award winning song “Love Me Before I Rust Away.” Tear. Jerker.

T: Can you imagine the pitch meeting? “It’s SMASH, but with ROBOTS!”

Outstanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series

Cicely Tyson, How to Get Away With Murder

Laverne Cox, Orange Is the New Black

Shannon Purser, Stranger Things

Alison Wright, The Americans

Alexis Bledel, The Handmaid’s Tale

Ann Dowd, The Leftovers

BL: It’s gotta be Barb. Nobody would be complaining about justice for Barb if it weren’t for that actual performance.

T: BARB! Barb for the win! I love that she’s nominated. That’s just the coolest. Also RORY GILMORE yeeeey. She was amazing in Handmaid’s Tale. Honestly I never knew she had it in her.

S: You know what? While I was watching that show I was like I’m not hating on Alexis Bledel and that’s very surprising for me. So in line with that I will award her an Emmy!

Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series

Matthew Rhys, Girls

Riz Ahmed, Girls

Lin-Manuel Miranda, Saturday Night Live

Dave Chappelle, Saturday Night Live

Tom Hanks, Saturday Night Live

Hugh Laurie, Saturday Night Live

T: If Riz is winning for actor in a limited series, then this should go to Lin-Manuel Miranda because he was amazing and he’s amazing and I love him. Insert Hamilton pun here.

S: Wow, so much SNL. Um yes. Riz can win for The Night Of. I did not enjoy the writing for his character in Girls. He felt like an afterthought. Lin-Manuel! As Thomas knows I broke down and started listening the Hamilton soundtrack this week (I wanted to wait until I saw the musical, but that might never happen) I also watched Moana. And I’m just like Lin Manuel you are so freakin talented. Oh Thomas maybe he can get an EGOT!

T: I have every faith that he will, but he’s currently just an EG.

Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series

Wanda Sykes, Black-ish

Becky Ann Baker, Girls

Melissa McCarthy, Saturday Night Live

Carrie Fisher, Catastrophe

Angela Bassett, Master of None

Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live

T: I’m torn. Carrie Fisher, the Lord ha’mercy on her soul, is great and should posthumously win things. However, this has to go to Angela Bassett for one of the best episodes of television ever on Master of None. Gutted there’s no Laura Dern for Kimmy Schmidt.

S: I feel the same way. RIP Carrie. We love you. But ANGELA. Oh my word. That episode is amazing. I also just recently rewatched Waiting to Exhale. I relived the moment where Angela burns all her husband’s clothes because he leaves her for a white woman and this is totally unrelated but I just wanted to talk about that. Best scene ever. Angela for the win!

Best Documentary

30 for 30

The Keepers

American Masters

Chef’s Table

Planet Earth II

T: The Keepers x 1000. Although Planet Earth was amazing. Those snakes gave me nightmares.

S: FUCKING JANE DOE OH DEAR GOD THAT SHOW. THE SADNESS. THE ANGER. FUCK FUCK FUCK. MURDER NUN SHOW HAS TO WIN.

Jane Doe! Oh dear God, that show. The sadness. The anger. Fuck. Murder Nun show has to win.

T: Sister Cathy! Jane Doe aka Glenn Close! Oh god this show made me cry with sadness and rage. All the Emmys.

S: It is the LEAST you can do. ALL OF THEM. Sidebar that little lizard guy who got away from the snakes in Planet Earth two. I’ve never cheered so loud.  

TD: I know right? Actually had a nightmare about those snakes tho. My therapist found that very interesting.

S: Snakes are trying to get you! WATCH OUT!

Oscar Nominations 2017

While this year’s Oscar nominations have been praised for their record-breaking diversity, they’ve also been criticised for some major snubs and the inclusion of some fairly undesirable characters. Two steps forward, one step back; still, progress?

Here with me to discuss the nominees are Cinematographer Stephanie Coffey and Poet Ben Ladouceur. 

Best Picture

Arrival

T: This is one of my favourite films of Oscar season. I saw it twice! It’s about a lady saving the world through communication and compassion! It’s smart sci-fi in the vein of Ex Machina and Never Let Me Go.

B: And Eternal Sunshine! But I didn’t like the font they used when they suddenly started giving the alien language subtitles. It was a terrible font I am trying to forget. I hope this movie loses.

T: Completely reasonable.

S: I still haven’t seen it. I will, I promise. But I can’t help but think it’s a bargain bin Contact. I’m sorry Amy. I love you. If I ever get famous and this surfaces, please still work with me.

T: Contact was…ungood. “They should have sent a poet” – Jodie Foster. Fun fact: Arrival was also the name of Abba’s first great album and the title song has bagpipes in it.

B: I wish this movie had bagpipes in it. But we’ll talk about the soundtrack later.

Fences

S: I’m going on Thursday! I’ve been warned it’s like five hundred hours of non stop dialogue! I can’t wait to see Viola’s snot nose crying in more context than the trailer.

B: Yesterday I rewatched her seven-minute movie-stealing scene in “Doubt” and there was a lot of nose dripping. And a lot of blinking. She’s cracked the code of acting: equal parts snot and blinks. That’s how you win awards. That’s all it is.

Hacksaw Ridge

T: No.

S: Why did we just forget that Mel Gibson is anti-semitic and terrible? God, Hollywood you have the memory of a goldfish. No, Mel Gibson you can’t come to the party…

Hell or High Water

T: No.

S: “I don’t understand the question, therefore I won’t respond.” – Lucille Bluth. I’m pretty sure I used this joke last year but it still applies.

Hidden Figures

T: Yey Hidden Fences.

S: This movie looks fun. I think I’m going to take my mom!

T: Let’s all take our Mums! Even though mine is kinda racist, she really loves all the Shondaland shows so she’ll probably dig this.

La La Land

T: This film was a delightful confection. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but two minutes after leaving the cinema I’d forgotten everything that had happened. Hollow. “La La Land ties with All About Eve and Titanic for most Oscar nominations ever!” – yeah, All About Eve had FIVE nominations for acting. Blah Blah Bland and All About Eve are not comparable. Bye.

S: Ugh. I wanted to love this. I thought this movie was going to save me from my bleak winter and fill my heart with joy. There were a lot of nice things about this movie. It was pretty, it had gorgeous cinematography but it just felt flat. It didn’t have that something special. I had no tears and I wanted tears. I also think the last five minutes was better than the whole movie. 

B: I’m sick of show business movies winning awards. Like, there are so many movies about Hollywood. It’s why I hated Birdman. The guy’s problem is he wants to be a successful actor. That’s a pretty specific conflict for so many “must-see” films to have in common. There are so many career fields, ripe for the dramatizing! Where’s the must-see blockbuster about, like, beekeepers? Or proofreaders? Show me it.

Lion

T: This keeps being described as ‘moving’, so I guess I’ll see it.

S: I keep having amnesia about this film. I keep forgetting what Nicole Kidman is doing at events and things. And then I’m like “oh right you did a movie”.  I’ll watch it on my couch when Netflix releases it in a few weeks.

Manchester By the Sea

T: This was very good. Sad white men are important. Kenneth Lonergan is a great writer and director, but if you want to watch a really great film of his with similar themes, check out You Can Count On Me. It has all the same stuff – loner guy, small town, family death – except it also stars Laura Linney. And thus is vastly superior. Write-in Best Picture nomination for You Can Count On Me!

S: You had me at Laura Linney. I vote for this write-in!

Moonlight

S: Moonlight had some story structure flaws. It could have been a bit tighter and the characters a bit more developed but looking at the whole category it might have been the best of the bunch. Until I see Contact II, it has my vote.

T: Missing: Jackie. What the hell?! Out of this lot, I’d probably go with Arrival to be honest.

S: Hidden Fences! I vote for that.

B: I feel like it’ll be the Manchester By the Sea movie because things happening next to water is very moving to people.

Best Supporting Actor

Mahershala Ali (Moonlight)

Jeff Bridges (Hell or High Water)

Lucas Hedges (Manchester by the Sea)

Dev Patel (Lion)

Michael Shannon (Nocturnal Animals)

T: GWAN MICHAEL SHANNON. I thought he was great in Nocturnal Animals.

S: Weird that the Globes went for Aaron Taylor-Johnson. Sorry Thomas, but I think that was a better choice. Taylor-Johnson was needlessly sinister and such a nut bar. For the Globes, I still felt like I liked Mahershala Ali better but I was like okay Aaron Taylor-Johnson played a pretty good nut bar. I’ll allow this. But Michael Shannon. Man detective. Meh.

T: A testament to the wide range of male-centric stories just dying to be told, this category features not one but TWO grizzled southern sheriffs with Shannon and Jeff Bridges. But I just really, really like Michael Shannon.

S: I don’t understand this, so I’m going to talk about how Jeff Bridges made a sleeping tape. He recorded himself talking peacefully. You can listen to it and have good dreams thanks to Jeff Bridges. It’s like meditation. You can find it at www.dreamingwithjeff.com. For some reason he teamed up with the my website provider. What up squarespace? It popped up one day when I went in to log onto my website and update it… I was like WTF Jeff Bridges. This is hilarious. I posted it on Facebook and no one took the bait….but now people have to listen to me!

T: Lucas Hedges is a great young talent who provides some much needed light and shade to this movie. A nice contrast to Casey Affleck’s misery-fest performance. You go Lucas! Dev, you will always be the kid from Skins. But good for you.

S: I fuckin’ love Skins. Cassie was so crazy. In my opinion Ali was the best thing about Moonlight. I loved his performance and when he holds little Chiron in the sea. That was such a beautiful moment and so I think he should win.

B: Simon Helberg was great in Florence Foster Jenkins and maybe should have been nominated in this category. That’s my hot take.

Best Actor

Casey Affleck (Manchester by the Sea)

Andrew Garfield (Hacksaw Ridge)

Ryan Gosling (La La Land)

Viggo Mortensen (Captain Fantastic)

Denzel Washington (Fences)

T: Casey Affleck is a sex rapist*. Hollywood doesn’t mind that, though. They gave Woody Allen his most recent Oscar in 2012 and he’s a proven child sex rapist. Anyway, Affleck is quite good in this and the likely winner.

*Casey Affleck is an alleged sexual harasser.

S: Yes. I banned this movie because I don’t care about it and I don’t want to support men accused of sexual harassment. Sorry Casey. You are a bargain bin Ben Affleck and even he is bargain bin so you are like the DVD that has scratches on it and has to be thrown away. Also I learned from the Golden Globes he only got this role because Matt Damon turned it down which for some reason is funny to me.

 

T: Andrew Garfield, you were great in Boy A and Never Let Me Go so I can’t begrudge you this. I just have no intention of ever seeing this movie.

S: I quite like him. But no to this movie. Never Let Me Go was a very good film. Should we just talk about that film instead?

T: Never Let Me Go is heartbreaking and filled with brilliant performances. The resigned sadness in Carey Mulligan’s face at the end, and that beautiful score. So haunting.

B: And Keira Knightley being vindictive and desperate both at the same time effectively! Ugggh. Never Let Me Go should win best actor.

S: See this is waaay better. I feel calmer already…

T: Ryan Gosling’s nomination is baffling.

B: Oh yeah? How come? I haven’t seen it yet. Is he just okay?

T: He’s charming Ryan Gosling doing his charming Ryan Gosling thing. Lovely dancing, but that’s it.

S: Yes, Thomas is right. It’s just Ryan Gosling playing the piano and looking hot. He’s been in MUCH better films than this.  Give him a retroactive Oscar for Place Beyond the Pines, or Half Nelson, or Blue Valentine. Heck, Young Hercules! Breaker High! Something else.  

Someone else! – Homer Simpson

B: Young Hercules!

S: If the Academy wasn’t a bunch of annoying losers they would be all like, “We’re really, reaaaally sorry Denzel for giving you an Oscar for Training Day. Here is a real Oscar for a movie you put your heart and soul into.” But no they’ll give it to Casey Affleck. BOOOOOOOO.

Best Actress

Isabelle Huppert (Elle)

Ruth Negga (Loving)

Emma Stone (La La Land)

Natalie Portman (Jackie)

Meryl Streep (Florence Foster Jenkins)

T: Oh, Emma. You did your best, but there wasn’t much to work with. You’re only an okay singer and you didn’t have many beats to play. My main beef with her win here is that in a couple of years I’m confident she will deliver an absolutely brilliant performance in a much better film and won’t win because they already gave it to her here.

S:  This one is really heartbreaking for me. I love Emma. I always have. But this just wasn’t very good and you just weren’t very good in it. I think the okay singer thing was my biggest problem. Like, it’s a musical. You have to be a good singer. Those are the rules. I didn’t make them. I agree with Thomas. Her Oscar is like three years away and it’s going to be amazing.

T: Natalie Portman IS Jackie Kennedy. She plays the different layers of Jackie’s grief so well. THIS is the one that should win.

S: I like Natalie. I still hate Oscar baiting biopics. But sure, give it to her.

T: You know what? Florence Foster Jenkins is the kind of late-career Meryl performance that people sneer at. The fact is, Meryl is excellent in this, as usual. Will it be mentioned anywhere in her obituary? No.

B: Yes yes, go Meryl. But this is the slot that should have been Amy Adams’. It’s crazy that she’s not on here. She’s a total Overlooked Olga.

S: Lol to overlooked Olga.

T: An egregious oversight, especially seeing as Arrival was nominated for eight awards and she basically is the whole movie. Also missing: Sarah Paulson for Blue Jay, Susan Sarandon for The Meddler and Sally Field for Hello, My Name Is Doris. Come at me.

S: I fear Amy is like too good and then each year some one-off comes in and takes her Oscar. Like everyone every year is like yeah, yeah, she’s amazing but did you see? Emma danced this year! Amy is so long overdue. WHERE IS HER OSCAR?

B: I hope Huppert wins. This movie was batshit crazy. It’s by the Showgirls director. This movie is like Showgirls, but France instead of LA, and the video game industry instead of the stripper industry, and a fantastic lead actress instead of a terrible one. Also about times as much sexual violence. And it does that French movie thing where there are like 10 supporting characters with their own little subplots for no reason. Oh, I want to see this again. No idea why it isn’t on the foreign nominee list, though to be fair I haven’t seen any of the movies that actually made it onto the list. #teamisabelle

T: Loving has been under the radar but the love for Ruth Negga’s performance has been solid. Good for her.

S: Yeah, why is this film so under the radar? Ruth Negga is stunning and I heard she was really good in this. I will watch sometime this week and report back.

Best Supporting Actress

Viola Davis (Fences)

Naomie Harris (Moonlight)

Nicole Kidman (Lion)

Octavia Spencer (Hidden Figures)

Michelle Williams (Manchester by the Sea)

T: I BEEN STANDIN’ BESIDE YOU FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS. Enough said. A wagon of Oscars for Viola. Technically a lead performance? Anyway, this puts her closer to EGOT as after this she will have an Emmy, Oscar and a Tony.

S:  Viola got her Globe this year. So all she needs is the O.

T:  No Steph, the G is for Grammy…

S: Oh. I don’t think she’s ever getting a Grammy.

T: Three words: spoken word album

S: She just does a spoken word album to get the EGOT?

T: All she has to do is narrate a bunch of nursery rhymes and she’s there.

B: Even just her reading the classifieds. And it would be in the bag.

S: I’m still bummed it wasn’t a lead. This is a lead performance. Viola deserves BEST ACTRESS etched on her Oscar.

T: Fun slash sad fact: with her third nomination, Viola Davis becomes the black performer with the most Oscar nominations in history. Another fun slash sad fact: this is only the third time that three actors of colour have been nominated in a single category. The other years were 2004 and 2007. And our final fun slash sad fact: Octavia is the first black woman to be nominated for another Oscar after winning. Hattie, Whoopi, Halle, Jennifer, Monique and Lupita haven’t managed it. (Sidebar, Hattie is dead, so never will.)

B: Lupita will get around to it some time soon.

S: I love Octavia. Two for Octavia! You go Octavia! Sidebar of my own: can we please find a way to give Whoopi another Oscar? SISTER ACT 3: HABITUAL HABITING

T: “There was one habit she just couldn’t break…”

S: “…dressing up as a Nun for obscure reasons.”

T: So, Michelle Williams is in Manchester by the Sea for ten minutes and just cries the whole time. No.

B: Umm if that’s true it makes me want to see it more.

T: …why?

S: Yeah, Ben…Why?

B: She cries well. Why hasn’t there been a Joni Mitchell biopic yet? When they get around to making one, it will suddenly occur to everyone that Michelle Williams is the perfect person. And she’ll just cry and smoke and play guitar. Doesn’t that sound good?

T: Okay, yeah, I can see that. Better than Taylor fucking Swift doing it anyhow.

Best Score

Jackie

La La Land

Lion

Moonlight

Passengers

T: La La Land gets this, right? Aside from that, Jackie has a great score and I’m surprised Arrival isn’t nominated in this category. Also, apparently Dustin O’Halloran, who did the excellent music for Transparent, is now an Oscar nominee for Lion. Well done Dustin!

B: Fun fact, Arrival was disqualified because the song at the beginning and end isn’t an original song. It’s called “On the Nature of Daylight” and it’s in every movie you’ve ever seen. And movies are disqualified if they have too many non-original songs diluting the original material. And to be fair, when you think of music from Arrival, this is the song you think of.

S: Thanks for that fun fact, Ben! It’s important to educate our audiences!

T: I agree that’s a very memorable part of the score, and I love Max Richter, but for me the standout part is where it keeps going WAAAAAAAAAAARGH really loudly and made me jump.

S: WTF Passengers? I think it has to go to La La Land because if the musical movie doesn’t win best score then what is it doing?

Best Song

Audition (La La Land)

Can’t Stop the Feeling! (Trolls)

City of Stars (La La Land)

The Empty Chair (Jim: The James Foley Story)

How Far I’ll Go (Moana)

T: This is a toss-up between the Academy’s boner for La La Land and their boner for Lin-Manuel Miranda. I’m gonna say that this goes to Lin because he’s the man of the moment, the decade, the century.

B: I haven’t heard any of these songs so my pick is “The Empty Chair” because I assume it is a sequel to the Les Mis song “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” about how the tables aren’t empty anymore but there’s this one chair that’s still empty and it’s too bad.

T: Okay but who is Jim James Foley? And why does he have these disparate empty chairs and tables? Is he a lesser Les Mis character? This category raises more questions than it answers.

S: Hahah. WHO THE HELL IS JIM JAMES FOLEY? He was Prisoner 24602. He was right  behind Jean Valjean. Didn’t you see him?

T: Um so you know how Wicked tells the flipside of Wizard of Oz? Maybe we could write a musical called 24602 about this guy whose chair is empty.

S: OMG. This might be our life’s purpose. Real talk though: I actually liked City of Stars. It was catchy in a cute, mumbly sort of way. I’ll go with that.

Best Original Screenplay

Hell or High Water

La La Land

The Lobster

Manchester by the Sea

20th Century Women

T: La La Land. Honest to God. Give it a rest. Give it to 20th Century Women, because ladies. Fun fact: that movie is the same director as Beginners, which I know absolutely crushed you Steph.

S: God this category is L-I-T-E. None of these were really that good. I haven’t seen 20th Century Women yet. Let’s go with that!  

B: Yes, to 20th Century Women.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Arrival

Fences

Hidden Figures

Lion

Moonlight

T: I vote Arrival.

B: I don’t know man! Arrival was good, but it was kind of plothole city. I read the book right after and the book actually takes care of all the plotholes. It’s a lot more pedantic and attentive to logic than the movie — there are actual diagrams about light refraction at some point — and so the emotions it causes are that much more effective, since you’re totally on board with what’s going on. The movie didn’t have nearly as much theoretical groundwork. Instead of making you cry with math, it made you cry with violins. So, yes, lovely movie, but imperfect adaptation. (To be fair, I acknowledge that it had a lot more math and science in it than basically any other Hollywood movie. More fog too.)

S: Ben has given me a new goal in life. I want to cry with math! I’m going to blindly pick Fences. I’VE BEEN STANDING BESIDE YOU FOR 18 YEARS!!!

Animated Feature

Kubo and the Two Strings

Moana

My Life As a Zucchini

The Red Turtle

Zootopia

Remember last year when that movie “The Man Who Climbed Out Of The Window And Disappeared” was nominated and we were convinced that the Academy was playing tricks on us? Well, what on God’s green Earth is “My Life As A Zucchini”?!

S: Haha I have no idea. The Academy is trying to see if we’re still woke!

Guys, I bloody loved Zootopia. I watched it Hungover one day and it made me really happy. It has a great message. And Jenny Slate plays a lamb and it took me the whole movie to figure out it was her. It was driving me crazy! For those of you who don’t know, Jenny Slate is the genius behind Marcel the Shell with Shoes on:

She’s a very talented comedienne who has done many other things but this still cracks me up to this day.

T: Can we make her a write-in for best actress for Obvious Child please?

S: YES! Totes. And also can we just TAKE NOTE that Mona Lisa Saperstein is one of the best characters ever created. #parksandrec4lyfe. Basically Jenny Slate we love you! Don’t ever change. Here is a video I just found of Jenny doing the voice recording for her Zootopia lamb:

 

Best Director

Denis Villeneuve (Arrival)

Mel Gibson (Hacksaw Ridge)

Damien Chazelle (La La Land)

Kenneth Lonergan (Manchester by the Sea)

Barry Jenkins (Moonlight)

T: Have we all forgotten that Mel Gibson is a bigot? Like, this is not okay. Anyway, Pablo Larrain should have been nominated for Jackie. Ridiculous. This will probably go to Damien Chazelle for La La Land right? And while I can’t begrudge him per se, I’d rather see this go to Denis Villeneuve.

S: There’s too many boys in this category. I’m bored. Sure, Damien, fine, you can have this. But just remember that Whiplash was better…oops, that sounds like a threat. It wasn’t. I’m just very passionate about this issue.   

Best make-up and hairstyling

A Man Called Ove

Star Trek Beyond

Suicide Squad

T: Write-in nomination for the wigs in Florence Foster Jenkins.

S: Agreed. I’m actually thinking Florence Foster Jenkins is the dark horse of this whole competition.

T: Imagine if Meryl swoops in and takes Oscar #4 for FFJ? That would be a lol.

S: Omg. And then she makes another amazing speech about how Trump is a dolt and America needs to figure it out. The curtain comes down and the show is over folks!

The 2016 Emmy Nominations Were Mostly Wonderful

Following a disappointingly narrow batch of Oscar nominations, it was refreshing to see a list of Emmy nominees that reflects the diversity of storytelling on television. While the great and good of the film community are congratulating themselves for having Sulu hug a boy or dance to Madonna or something equally Earth-shatteringly homosexual in Star Trek, in TV land we’re busy discussing shows dealing with a wide array of female, queer and racially diverse themes. 

I teamed up with Stephanie Coffey and Ben Ladouceur to talk wigs, Helen Hunt and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Lead Actress in a Drama:

Claire Danes, Homeland

Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder

Taraji P. Henson, Empire

Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black

Keri Russell, The Americans

Robin Wright, House of Cards

T: Homeland is still a thing?

S: Claire Danes, go away. Unless you are hanging out with Aziz in Master of None. That was great.

B: I’m throwing my weight behind Tatiana, for playing 50 different lesbians or something.

S: Tatiana is also pretty incredible with her 18 different roles. Ben, I think she just plays one lesbian, though. She is an amazing actress and woo, Canada!  

B: If you watch the show for long enough, a streetcar goes by, and you feel like Toronto is a magical land.

T: Toronto *is* a magical land, Ben. It would be nice to see a Canadian win this. Following on from Viola’s landmark win last year, I feel like this would be equally historic. But this will probably go to Viola Davis for the second year in a row, right? And I’m completely fine with that because she’s a genius.

S: This is tough. I love Viola but I couldn’t do Season two of HTGAWM. (Wow. Long acronym). The mystery was too much of a let down in season one and the amount of time they flashed back to clues because they don’t trust their audience was insufferable. But the best thing about the show is its lead actress, so she is deserving.

Lead Actor in a Drama:

Kyle Chandler, Bloodline

Rami Malek, Mr. Robot

Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul

Matthew Rhys, The Americans

Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan

Kevin Spacey, House of Cards

T: I find it hard to care about any of these people and their shows. I say give it to Rami Malek, because why not?

B:. I have never seen Mr. Robot. It seems like the new Breaking Bad, in that like four or five straight males told me that I HAVE to check it out. I assume it’s about a robot named Mr. Robot, and that he can’t get wet or he’ll malfunction, but where he lives it’s always raining. Enjoy your Emmy, Mr. Robot!

T: It’s like that show Billions. Straight boys are jizzing over it but gay Twitter says there are no ladies doing lady things so don’t bother. I choose gay Twitter. Mr Robot for the win!

S: Bob Odenkirk! I too ignored the straight boys on Breaking Bad but then watched Better Call Saul in an act of defiance. It was brilliant and I vote for that because I prefer my robots to be Alicia Vikander.

Lead Actor in a Limited Series:

Bryan Cranston, All the Way

Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock: The Abominable Bride

Idris Elba, Luther

Cuba Gooding Jr., The People vs. O.J. Simpson

Tom Hiddleston, The Night Manager

Courtney B. Vance, The People vs. O.J. Simpson

T: Fuck this whole category, because Oscar Isaac was not nominated for Show Me A Hero, which was exceptional.

B: I just googled Show Me a Hero, it looks good. By “it” I mean Oscar Isaac’s moustache.

T: Anything in or around Oscar Isaac’s face is usually 10/10. I have major issues with Tom Hiddleston – he’s a pretty face but I find him completely vacuous, and I’m in the minority that thought The Night Manager was unwatchable.

S: Yes! No more Hiddleswift PR please!

T: This should absolutely go to Courtney B Vance, I thought he was amazing in the show. Also because he was wearing a wig but he was the only person that didn’t look absolutely ridiculous. Plus, he’s married to Angela Fucking Basset.

S: Angela FUCKING Basset.

B: Yes, give it to Vance, who not only acted well, but also grew a moustache.

S: Yes. I’m with you guys. Mostly because of not looking ridiculous in a wig. I’m getting strong images of how terrified I was of John Travolta in this series. Ughhhh.

Lead Actress in a Limited Series:

Kirsten Dunst, Fargo

Felicity Huffman, American Crime

Audra McDonald, Lady Day at Emerson’s Bar & Grille

Sarah Paulson, The People vs. O.J. Simpson

Lili Taylor, American Crime

Kerry Washington, Confirmation

T: How long have we been banging on about Sarah Paulson? Three years now? She was utterly brilliant in OJ and she’s usually the best thing in pretty much anything she does. Give her the fucking Emmy already.

B: I’ve been in love with Paulson since Studio 60, in which she was the only good thing. If I could travel time, I would visit zero dinosaurs and instead travel back a mere six years to go see the 2010 Broadway production of “Collected Stories” with her and Linda Lavin. So if she wins, I’ll be happy.

T: You have quite a thing for Lili Taylor too if I remember correctly?

B: I DO love Lili Taylor, and I am so honoured that you remember that about me. I just want to have brunch with her every once and awhile. Her and Helen Hunt and Embeth Davidtz. And at the start of brunch when we’re all sitting down, we’re like, “No mimosas!” but then one of us orders one anyway, and that gets the ball rolling, and we’re all drinking one mimosa each and talking about how silly we are, so silly, three silly girls and their silly friend Ben.

T: This sounds like a brunch I would turn up to with a really open mind and my heart would sink in like the first three minutes.

S: Why are the mimosas so forbidden, Ben? “No we can’t. We can’t. OMG Helen you are so bad! I’m ordering one too!”

T: Maybe I could convince Embeth to slope off with me? Anyway, I remember you like Lili Taylor because you loved her character on Six Feet Under, who was just the worst.

B: You watched it wrong, she was the best thing about that show.

S: Ben has been on my radar of questionable female actress choices since the inception of his bizarre love for boring Helen Hunt. However, Sarah Paulson bridges the gap finally! To quote Thomas’ drunken voicemail last week, “Pleeeeeease give Sarah Paulson an Emmyyyyyy. She’s a fuuuuuucking genius!”   

Lead Actor in a Comedy:

Anthony Anderson, Black-ish

Aziz Ansari, Master Of None

Will Forte, Last Man on Earth

William H. Macy, Shameless

Thomas Middleditch, Silicon Valley

Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

T: I feel like we should really be watching Black-ish. The clips I’ve seen look funny.

B: I watched Black-ish’s Very Special Episode about BLM, which was great, but probably not that emblematic of the show’s comic sensibilities.

T: I’m torn here between Aziz Ansari and Jeffrey Tambor. I’d say Aziz is funnier and the fact that he writes and directs the show is a huge achievement. But this is probably Tambor’s to lose. Transparent season two was excellent and I think he was great in it.

B: Let’s give it to Forte, whose show is not perfect, but neither am I and neither are you.

S: Aziz! I loved season two of Transparent but I’d like to see some other players get wins this year. Can someone give Gaby Hoffman an Emmy? Or perhaps some Jill Soloway love? Tambor was brilliant but I think Aziz has created a Master-ful show that touches on a lot of important topics and is hilarious.

T: Puns are always welcome.

Lead Actress in a Comedy:

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Ellie Kemper, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Tracee Ellis Ross, Black-ish

Laurie Metcalf,Getting On

Amy Schumer, Inside Amy Schumer

Lily Tomlin, Grace and Frankie

T: Firstly, Maria Bamford got snubbed for the hilarious Lady Dynamite. It was genius. Shocked to see her left off the list. As you said before, Ben, Grace and Frankie is perfect television so Lily Tomlin deserves to be here. And Tracee Ellis Ross is hilarious so I’m not surprised to see her here. Who takes it? JLD, again? In my heart of hearts I would love this to go to Lily Tomlin.

B: I’m OK with anyone here winning. I’m most OK with Tomlin.

S: Tracee Ellis Ross or Amy Schumer. Lily Tomlin can win if there is a write in vote for Grandma.

Comedy Series:

Black-ish

Master of None

Modern Family

Silicon Valley

Transparent

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Veep

T: In terms of the most laughs I got out of a show this year, Kimmy Schmidt takes it for me.

S: Titus Burgess really carried the show for me this season. I wouldn’t say it was the best show of the year but I definitely laughed.

T: In terms of purely artistic achievement, this is between Master of None and Transparent.

B: Transparent was REMARKABLE, but I didn’t laugh – mostly I winced and cringed and almost-cried and thought about how one day we’re all going to die. But yes: for best show, it should be Transparent, but for funniest show, Unbreakable.

S: Transparent is heartbreakingly beautiful but it’s one of those odd ‘should it be in the comedy section?’ nominees. I watched Man on the Land S2E9 three times and just bawled. Hari Nef was INCREDIBLE. She should have received a nod!

B: Master of None didn’t do it for me. I feel broken but it’s true.

S: Ben, I’m starting to doubt you again and after we just reconciled over Sarah Paulson. Master of None was amazing. I’m also like the biggest Aziz Ansari fan so I could be biased…no, it’s great.

B: Yeah, I know I’m in the minority here. I appreciate that Ansari is a man with a mandate, addressing social issues. I’m just not driven wild by his schtick.

Drama Series:

The Americans

Better Call Saul

Downton Abbey

Game of Thrones

Homeland

House of Cards

Mr. Robot

T: I watch none of these shows. I loathe Downton Abbey. Give it to Mr. Robot. Sure.

B: You don’t watch Game of Thrones? I assume everyone in England does because it’s filmed in the big soccer field across the street from everyone’s house.

T: You know how everyone in Toronto had a walk-on in Being Erica? Everyone in the UK has played a tree on Game of Thrones.

S: I DON’T CARE. ACTUALLY put Transparent in this category and voila! A winner.

B: Also, this is where I mention that I have watched Downton Abbey start to finish, and enjoyed every minute. This season was one of the stronger ones. There were car crashes, and the finale was so incredibly CONCLUSIVE. Not a single loose thread. Basically everyone either got married or died, and there was no middle ground, because that’s how aristocracy works.

T: I hate the aristocracy, I hate the crappy writing on this shitty show, and I hate you, Ben.

 

TV Movie:

All the Way

Confirmation

Luther

Sherlock: The Abominable Bride

A Very Murray Christmas

T: Umm, weren’t all of these reviewed as bad or mediocre? Unless I’m forgetting something. Give it to Bill Murray for all I care.

B: Confirmation, let’s say.

S: No guys! Did you see the Christmas special? It was like Sofia Coppola does sparse atmospheric Christmas where nothing happens but I put my famous friends in it so it’s fine. Does Black Mirror White Christmas count as a T.V. movie? The one with Jon Hamm. I just watched that and it’s really good. Write in?

T: Steph, with her characteristic finger on the pulse, has singled out a show that was released in 2014.

S: D’oh! … Please disregard Stephanie. *Sneaks in answer* Sherlock because it was probably good.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series:

Louie Anderson, Baskets

Andre Braugher, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Keegan-Michael Key, Key & Peele

Ty Burrell, Modern Family

Tituss Burgess, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Tony Hale, Veep

Matt Walsh, Veep

T: First off, three of these nominees are actors of color, well done academy. Tituss Burgess had the most hilarious year on UKS, give it to him. Tony Hale and Matt Walsh are solid – in particular it’s great to see Walsh recognised. What. On Earth. Is. Baskets?

B: Just googled it. On Baskets, Louie apparently plays a nagging old woman, which is probably a very large step back for the trans rights movement. Let’s give it to Braugher for the quality of his role: a gay black man who has grown into a hardass after dealing with years of bullshit in an intolerant work environment. His character is heavily informed, but ultimately not defined by, his queer experience and that, to me, is the best possible future of gays on TV.

T: Are we saying, Ben, that Brooklyn Nine Nine is one of the great queer texts of our time?

B: Yes. Andy Samberg is like ten Gore Vidals.

S: Not only actors of colour but two queer black characters. I think this is definitely proving that Hollywood films need to catch up to TV in terms of diversity. Andre Braugher as Captain Holt is one of my favourite TV characters ever! Not only is Holt a complex queer character, Braugher’s comedic timing and monotone delivery exemplify his supreme acting chops.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Movie:

Jesse Plemons, Fargo

Bokeem Woodbine, Fargo

Hugh Laurie, The Night Manager

Sterling K. Brown, The People vs. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story

David Schwimmer, The People vs. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story

John Travolta, The People vs. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story

T: Who is Bokeem Woodbine, he’s my new favourite person. Like a chipmunk or something got nominated for an Emmy.

B: I got lost at Woodbine subway station once. I was hungover and I took the subway the wrong way and ended up in Scarborough. So I don’t like Bokeem Woodbine.

T: This should definitely go to Sterling K Brown, he was amazing as Darden. John Travolta was hilaire and Ross Kardashian is just no. I really like Jesse Plemons. Generally. That’s all I have to say about him.

B: I agree! Sterling K. Brown.

T: Are you just agreeing for the sake of it? I’m pretty sure you only watched one episode of OJ…

B: I’m agreeing because I trust you Thomas.

S: I will jump in and admit that I am going to blindly agree with Thomas because I don’t like anyone else. I watched three episodes of OJ.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series:

Niecy Nash, Getting On

Allison Janney, Mom

Kate McKinnon , Saturday Night Live

Judith Light, Transparent

Gaby Hoffmann, Transparent

Anna Chlumsky, Veep

T: Janney again? I love her, you know I do, but like come on love you’ve got a wagon of Emmys. Ease up. Would be great to see Kate McKinnon win this, and there’s a possibility as she rides the wave of her Ghostbusters success. See previously: Melissa McCarthy for Mike and Molly. Anna Chlumsky is great, and the Transparent ladies also. Tough one. WHERE THE FUCK IS JANE KRAKOWSKI? I WILL SET THE BUILDING ON FIRE.

B: Yes, she is a notable absence. So is June Diane Raphael, Brianna from Grace & Frankie, whose business scenes with Lily Tomlin were one of the best things about the season. Give it to the ghostbuster.

T: Ladybuster for the win!

S: GABBY HOFFMAN. I love her. Ever since I used to watch Now & Then as a little girl and dream about my future. She was so good in Transparent this season. I’m very proud of her.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series:

Maura Tierney, The Affair

Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

Lena Headey, Game Of Thrones

Emilia Clarke, Game Of Thrones

Maisie Williams, Game Of Thrones

Constance Zimmer, UnREAL

T: The only person I care about here generally is Maura Tierney. I’ve only just watched The Affair and my God now I remember how great she is. Give this to her immediately.

B: Constance Zimmer! Nobody watches UnREAL except for me, I think, but it’s fantastic, and Zimmer is especially good. Great to see UnREAL get one nod.

T: I hear it’s good, I should probably watch it. Also you should watch The Affair, it has the edgy yet solidly Mom sensibility that I think you would really dig.

B: On it.

S: Actually Ben, I have also watched UnReal and know about Constance Zimmer. She is quite good. However, I think I have to go with Thomas on this one. SPOILER ALERT: Helen gets high in Season two and says she queefed at the hairdressers and her hair gets accidentally bleached and it’s ridiculous. Season two is all about Helen and she delivers a complex performance. Plus she’s the mom from Liar Liar, so…

T: Maura Tierney has been a genius since ER which I was watching way before Liar Liar because I’m a Mum/Mom.

S: Yes I’m your bratty daughter who caught on to all your ladies in the 90s and you keep trying to “show me where they got their start” and I’m like “mommmm you don’t understand me, Maura Tierney is married to Jim Carey and they have a kid with a mushroom cut. That’s it!”

T: I know, I’m just a Maura Tierney completist.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie:

Melissa Leo, All The Way

Regina King, American Crime

Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Hotel

Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Hotel

Jean Smart, Fargo

Olivia Colman, The Night Manager

T: This is very strong. Paulson again?

B: Sarah Paulson could win two this way! That’s always fun.

T: Remember when Elisabeth Moss was up for two and we were like “SHE COULD WIN BOTH” and we held hands during her categories during the ceremony and we were disappointed x2?

B: I’ve done my best to forget that moment, but yes, I remember all too well.

S: I’m just going to throw my hat in for Kathy Bates. “It’s your men out there!”

Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series:

Bob Newhart, The Big Bang Theory

Tracy Morgan, Saturday Night Live

Larry David, Saturday Night Live

Bradley Whitford, Transparent

Martin Mull, Veep

Peter MacNicol, Veep

T: Give it to Principal Kraft.  

B: Where is the rest of the Sabrina The Teenage Witch cast in today’s entertainment milieu? If you had told me, back then, it would be Principal Kraft still doing stuff, I’d have been, I guess, a somewhat bummed-out eleven-year-old. Where’s Libby, Aunt Zelda, Jenny, Harvey? (For her part, Melissa Joan Hart is the trainwreck nobody is talking about. You’ll all be quoting me on this one day.)

T: She recently starred in God’s Not Dead 2, so she’s doing fine. I guess. Fun fact: Beth Broderick retrained in psychology and is now Steph Coffey’s psychologist. True story.

S: Melissa Joan Hart is clinging on to the cliff of success in Melissa and Joey with Joey “Woah” Lawrence. They also did an ABC movie called Holiday in Handcuffs that’s on Netflix. I watched it when I shame spiralled at Christmas a few years back. Let’s all write in a vote for Beth Broderick!  

B: Zelda Spellman! Yes!

Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series:

Laurie Metcalf, The Big Bang Theory

Christine Baranski, The Big Bang Theory

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live

Melissa McCarthy, Saturday Night Live

Amy Schumer, Saturday Night Live

Melora Hardin, Transparent

T: Ladies. A joint Emmy for Tina & Amy.

B: Happy with any of these.

T: Could it be any cuter that Tina & Amy get nominated as one person?

S: Can that happen? I mean I’m happy for Tina and Amy but is that a thing? A joint nom? Also, clearly if they are nominated as a pair then I’m voting for them.

Outstanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series:

Margo Martindale, The Americans

Carrie Preston, The Good Wife

Laurie Metcalf, Horace And Pete

Ellen Burstyn, House Of Cards

Molly Parker, House Of Cards

Allison Janney, Masters Of Sex

B: Molly Parker is Canadian. She played a necrophiliac in a 90s movie. Who hasn’t, though.

S: Lol to playing 90s necrophiliacs.

T: We’ve all had a bash. Did you know Raynor and co’s drama teacher in High School played the dead blonde lady in Murder at 1600?

S: Thanks, Tom. Now I want to ignore the work I have to do to today and watch some 90s Welsey Snipes. Murder at 1600, Passenger 57, can’t wait.

Thanks guys! Check back in for our post-Emmys round-up after the ceremony takes place on September 18.

The 2016 Ocars Were The Dullest Ever

It’s no secret that we felt that the 2016 Oscar nominations sucked, so it was a bit of a struggle summoning up the will to sit through a four hour ceremony celebrating a very bad set of nominees. But we’re nothing if not dedicated here at Spindle, so without further ado let our film writers Stephanie Coffey and Thomas Dearnley-Davison walk you through it. 

Let’s start with that monologue:

S: Chris Rock tells shiny white people that Hollywood is “sorority racist.” *crickets* shiny white people can’t deal.

T: I love the awkward close-ups to all the white actors in the audience who really, I feel, shouldn’t be applauding the idea of black people getting shot on the regs by cops but don’t know what else to do.

S: Yeah the awkward laughter is a little unbearable. It’s like we want to be supportive, we don’t know what to laugh at because Chris Rock is being too real so we’ll smile at everything.

T: Right? Least funny monologue ever, but also probably the best. What do you think?

S: I think the problem is that racism isn’t funny. He had to be real. He definitely addressed the issues but I think it was actually difficult to make light of the situation. I also think he used the platform to just tell Hollywood what is going on. You aren’t being supportive of black filmmakers, you think you are liberal but you aren’t helping.

T: Yeah like that bit about the Obama fundraiser where he said to the President all these rich white donors don’t hire black people. What is the point of giving a million dollars to a black presidential candidate when you are actively closing down avenues of opportunity for minorities?

S: He’s right. We all have to actively fix the problem. So filmmakers, writers, actors, whomever think about diversity in all your work! It doesn’t matter your background you can help tell human stories.

Best Supporting Actress: Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl

S: Alicia why do you look like Disney Princess Barbie? I love you but this Beauty and the Beast thing, I dunno. I was muttering “not Kate, not Kate” over and over and they got it right! Well, sort of: I would have preferred Ex Machina to be your win. And it should be Best Actress. But you are so talented and thank god it wasn’t that Godawful Steve Jobs performance again.

T: Oh God, I woke up this morning and scrabbled to check my phone for this very reason. Thank God it wasn’t Kate. I love you, Kate Winslet, I truly do, we’re from the same part of the world (shoutout to the Home Counties!), so I feel like in a different life we could have been close personal friends, but you did not deserve your second Oscar for this.

Alicia Vikander accepts her Oscar dressed as Disney Princess Barbie

Best Original Screenplay: Spotlight

T: I guess the screenplay for Spotlight was fine. Just like the rest of the movie. Should have been Inside Out but they clearly they don’t care about a little girl’s feelings. Also it was written by a lady and they’re not allowed to win stuff.

S: I always get the feeling the writing award goes to something that wouldn’t win a bigger award but that was important, so I was really hoping for Inside Out or Straight Outta Compton. I guess Inside Out did win Best Animated, but still…Straight Outta Compton would have been a huge surprise and a great nod for such a shitty night.

T: Yeah but the writers were both white! The only nomination for the black movie was for the white people. That just sums up this whole shitty Academy.

S: Ugh. I can’t even…

Best Adapted Screenplay: The Big Short

S: White mansplaining wins in least diverse year. Yay! *sobs* Dear God, try harder Hollywood. At least seemingly liberal white man with large spectacles tells audience not to vote for crazy billionaires – progress?

T: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I do not need the financial crisis mansplained to me by a bunch of guys in wigs. And WHY THE FUCK did Phyllis Nagy not win for Carol? Oh yeah, because she’s gay and her movie is all about ladies.

Production Design, Costume Design, Make-up: Mad Max: Fury Road

S: Mad Max sweeps sets, costumes and make up. I feel like Thomas is going to be really upset but I’m like okay it’s fine. And the Costume Designer was so badass with her skull jacket.

T: You know what? Good for Mad Max. I hear it’s a lady picture but with added explosions. And it’s funny because there’s so many angles to it. For example, I was discussing the movie with a fellow uber-feminist, while my white straight brother was completely baffled as to what we were talking about. Quoth he: ‘all I saw were car crashes and explosions’. Something for everyone, guys. Something for everyone.

S: Sorry straight white brother but yes they snuck in the feminism so boys wouldn’t notice.

T: Boys are stupid. I’m so glad The Revenant did not win for production design. As one Oscar voter put it, ‘The whole movie is set outside. Who’s the Production Designer? God?”

Also, yes that’s Jenny Beavan – she’s a Brit and she’s amazing. Stephen Fry described her as a bag lady at the Baftas, and everyone went mental. He had a point. Also check out how literally no-one claps as she walks down to collect her award…

https://vine.co/v/igWT9HBUnXp/embed/simple

Best Editing: Margaret Sixell, Mad Max: Fury Road

S: This Mad Max editing woman has a great Diane Keaton thing going on. Love her.

T: That’s Margaret Sixel, who – fun fact – is married to Mad Max director George Miller!

S: Ooh, power couple!

Best Visual Effects: Ex Machina

S: LITTLE VICTORIES, GUYS. Maybe this will fuel my Ex Machina sequel idea: hot robot in the city. It’s like 9 to 5 and Working Girl except she keeps murdering everybody so it’s always really awkward.

T: I’m dying. That’s fucking hilarious.

S: Like, she gets passed over for a promotion so just stabs that person at the copier…

T: I would watch the shit outta that movie. The best visual effect in Ex Machina was them making Dreamboat Oscar Isaac slightly less attractive. Oh, who am I fucking kidding, he was a dreamboat from start to finish, weird 80s professor glasses and all. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, good for this movie! It’s about ladies!

Best Supporting Actor: Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies

S: Again, I was chanting “not Rocky not Rocky not Rocky”…I heard Mark R – and I was like, RUFFALO! Rylance…what?

T: I’m so fucking glad Sly did not get this for Creed, or ‘Black Rocky’, as Chris Rock put it. I did not care about Black Rocky, I did not go and see Black Rocky. If you want to see a great movie directed by Ryan Coogler and starring Michael B. Jordan then I’d recommend Fruitvale Station. Finally watched it this weekend, it’s utterly brilliant and I cried and cried and cried. Also Octavia Spencer is the stoic Mom so there’s just like a whole bunch of reasons to watch it. Instead of Black Rocky.

Also, hold up, Mark Rylance is brilliant. I haven’t seen Bridge of Spies – why the hell would I have seen Bridge of Spies? – however he’s a Brit and a hugely talented theatre actor. Does occasional TV – he was amazing in Wolf Hall. Did you see Wolf Hall?

S: No I didn’t see Wolf Hall. And that’s not the point. NOBODY saw Bridge of Spies. I cannot even adjudicate his performance because I will NEVER see Bridge of Spies. This movie doesn’t exist. So just give it back to Mark Ruffalo and be done with it.

T: Oh man, I hated Mark Ruffalo in Spotlight. Seriously, bullshit performance. 0 stars. However, I rewatched The Kids Are All Right the other day to remind myself that he’s actually brilliant. He shouuld have won for that.

S: The whole category was a joke. You know what, maybe that’s it. Maybe they were bribed to care about Sylvester Stallone and Mark Ruffalo and what’s his name in a wig, and then the Academy went rogue and was like all these people suck let’s at least give it to the guy who was good in Wolf Hall.

Best Original Song: Sam Smith, Jimmy Napes, ‘Writing’s On The Wall’

S: Gaga killed it.

T: Gaga went full on Tori Amos in her song, piano bench humping and all. I liked it.

S: Sam Smith I love you and your message but I loathe Spectre: the film, the song, Daniel Craig’s foot face. To quote The Weeknd, Spectre isn’t worth it, you don’t deserve it. Lady Gaga worked it.

T: So this is a thing now? The Bond theme song automatically goes on to win the Oscar? Fuck you, Sam Smith. The best nominated song was Simple Song #3 from ‘Youth’. I listen to that in my flat all the time, it’s beautiful. But it’s opera and it’s sung by an Asian lady so of course they weren’t going to vote for it.

S: Or like give it to Gaga for The Hunting Ground. Super relevant issue and she’s still a pop star. Just care a little. James Bond is so misogynistic and outdated and terrible.

Best Director: Alejandro González Iñárritu, The Revenant.

S: Iñárritu ignores the stick man for ages and gives a diversity speech.

T: That’s fucking rich – he’s just made an epic movie where natives are solely depicted as savages or noble tree-whisperers, and the only female character in the whole goddamned thing is a silent native woman who gets repeatedly raped by white men. Sort. It. The. Fuck. Out.

S: Yeah it’s interesting that Iñárritu has now made a career of white male protagonists, and his female characters have actually be terribly stereotypical. He’s talented but definitely not changing the status quo. I might have just had an epiphany that he’s a good TECHNICAL director. But the content is f-ing stereotypical.

T: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Jason Moore was snubbed for ‘Sisters’. Who else do you think should have been nominated?

S: Sean Baker for Tangerine. God that was a great film. Shot on iPhones and it looks amazing, such a feat. Champion that direction, Hollywood.

T: Oh God, I’m a big racist transphobe and I have not seen Tangerine. I will endeavour to watch it this week as it’s on UK Netflix.

S: Do it tonight. It’s brilliant. If you are reading this, finish the article because we spent a lot of time on it and then you go watch Tangerine too. Unless you did already and then good for you, Glen Coco.

Best Actress: Brie Larson, Room

S: Brie takes it. No surprises here. We love her. She’s perfect. That’s it, that’s all.

T: But dude, what the fuck is she wearing?

S: I kinda wanted to sweep that under the rug…

T: It should be about the art, not the fashion, but by God that’s the elephant in the room.

S: …but okay you opened the bag: The fashion was the worst it’s ever been. Like I know the 90s are back but guys, not terrible 90s prom dresses. The belt with the matching hair piece and a twist? I’m just going to need to accept that she’s talented and fashion isn’t really her thing. Her stylist should be fired immediately though. Also random side bar did you see Reese Witherspoon with like flouncy poofs across her chest. Like WHO dressed these people?

T: I have no idea what Reese was doing, however I find it brilliant that she and Tina Fey turned up wearing the same thing. And Tina wore it best. Boom.

Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant

S: Imagine if they snubbed Leo, again, for, like, Matt Damon on Mars. He’d quit Hollywood. He’d die. But he won. Why does every keep giving him standing ovations? It’s sort of annoying. Like I get he got snubbed but hasn’t this night taught us that so do a lot of people? Sorry Leo. There’s bigger fish to fry now. I don’t care about your big important manly film.

T: You know who should have been nominated instead of these losers? Those Ex Machina guys. Probably Domhnall over Oscar but either one really.

S: And Michael B. Jordan. Like if you’re going to nominate Stallone then nominate Black Rocky too. If this is a good movie he clearly contributed to it.

T: You know what was completely snubbed? Macbeth. That movie was fucking incredible. Michael and Marion are a dream team and should have won every award going. So we’re saying the best actor list should have been Domhnall Gleeson, Oscar Isaac, Michael B. Jordan, Michael Fassbender (but for Macbeth) – and who’s the 5th?

S: IDRIS ELBA! Bam!

T: FUCKING NAILED IT. Of course. Can you imagine that line-up would have been 3 out of 5 people of colour. And every one of them so much more deserving than any of the dull white dudes who actually got nominated.

Best Picture: Spotlight

S: Oh fuck this, I’m going to bed.

T: Spotlight? Okay I have a lot of feelings about this. Firstly, I fucking hated The Revenant so literally any other movie could have taken it and I’d be super happy. In theory, Spotlight is such a damned Important Film which shines a Spotlight (GEDDIT?) on a really horrible and pervasive issue in society. So, good for it. It was just lifeless as a piece of entertainment. Sorry guys.

S: You know what I’m realizing? This actually was a time warp. No diversity, Spotlight, weird 90s prom dresses. Like wasn’t this the year that Marty Mcfly and Doc go to the future? Something happened with the Delorean and we totally transported back to 1993 and so that’s why this is all happening. MYSTERY SOLVED. You are all welcome.

T: Holy fuck! Who knew? I’m so glad you’re here on this journey with me.

First published on Spindle Magazine.

The Oscar Nominations Sucked Hard

From the inclusion of films with middling reviews to the exclusion of any non-white performers in the acting categories, this year’s Oscar nominations were a mixed bunch, to put it kindly. At Spindle we were so incensed we simply had to vent our frustration, so here our film writers Stephanie Coffey and Thomas Dearnley-Davison provide you with an angry guide to the films up for awards.

Best Picture

The Big Short

T: I don’t need the financial crisis mansplained to me. Buh-bye.

S: To quote my friend Rich Sibblies “it’s the movie where everybody is wearing a wig.” So in the spirit of Amy and Tina we’ll call this “Explosion at the Wig Factory II”.

T: Agreed.

Bridge of Spies

S: I don’t even have time to be funny about this one. No. Just no.

T: I’m sure it’s very worthy and all. And I’m sure it has many match-fades to the stars and stripes, because Spielberg. Not my cup of tea really.

Brooklyn

S: You know this seems like a nice story that my Irish Nan would tell me.  

T: That’s why I loved this movie. It reminded me of my dear Irish Nan. #immigranttears.

Mad Max: Fury Road

S: You know, I didn’t hate this movie. I never thought it would be an Oscar film, but I’m so angry at awards season I’m kind of like fuck it. GO MAD MAX!

T: I like your chutzpah. I haven’t seen it…I look forward to catching this late at night half-cut and sort-of remembering that it’s pretty good the next day.

The Martian

S: I watched this on a plane. I was all like fine, I’m on a plane, I’ll watch Interstellar II and find out what happened when Matthew McConaughey left Matt Damon on Mars. I turned it off after 20 minutes and switched to Hot Pursuit starring Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara. Hot Pursuit is a better film than The Martian.

The Revenant

T: Oh God, FINE I’ll go and see this. But I just want people to know I really, really don’t want to. It seems unnecessarily gruelling. I did not enjoy Birdman, so the reviews saying this movie is the best thing since sliced bread do not particularly move me.

S: Honestly, Iñárritu’s wild hair and his goatee. His fervour for life and art make me believe he  knows something I don’t. I’m with Thomas – I really don’t want to see this but, like, I have to.

Room

S: Read my review of Room right here on Spindle! *plugs own work*

Spotlight

S: Am I the only one that feels like I would have cared more about this film in 1993?

T: Where the fuck is Carol?! This list is completely null and void without a nomination for Carol. And 45 Years. This whole list stinks of old white dude. What do you think?

S: I think Inside Out should be Best Picture of the Year. IT’S ABOUT A LITTLE GIRL’S FEELINGS.

Actor

Bryan Cranston – Trumbo

S: “I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.” – Lucille Bluth

Matt Damon – The Martian

S:… see above.

Leonardo DiCaprio – The Revenant

S: JUST GIVE IT TO LEO. HE TRIED SO HARD.

T: Leo’s going to get this, right? There’s not much else to say here.

Michael Fassbender – Steve Jobs

S: Michael Fassbender as Steve Jobs inspires an unexplained rage in me. Also it’s not your turn Fassbender and we all know you can do better than this. Just patiently wait your turn in the checkout line and you’ll be cashed out soon.

Eddie Redmayne – The Danish Girl

T: Eddie’s performance is absolutely atrocious. I have no idea how he was nominated. 

S: Eddie, you’re like the boy in drama class where we’re like… Okay Eddie, we get it. You’re good. Just let someone else have a turn in the improv circle.

Actress

Cate Blanchett – Carol

S: We love you, Cate. Cate would graciously just give it to Brie.

T:  If only it was two months ago, Cate would have swept this. To be fair, Cate has two Oscars so can probably afford to give someone else a go.

Brie Larson – Room

T: I’m guessing this will go to Brie Larson? Brie is great so I’m happy for her to get this.

S: You’re very good, Brie. And you’re also very charming and likeable. I would be very fine with you receiving an award. I still love you as Kate Gregson from United States of Tara. Best show. Bring back Tara.

Jennifer Lawrence – Joy

T: I wish they’d have booted out Jennifer Lawrence in favour of Lily Tomlin.

S: If I could somehow time travel, I would erase JLaw’s win for Silver Linings Playbook and then I’d be okay with Joy being her first win, but I’m sorry she cannot have another one.

Charlotte Rampling – 45 Years

T: HOORAY for Charlotte Rampling. I’m so happy. Brilliant film, magnetic performance.

Saoirse Ronan – Brooklyn

S: You’re very talented, Saoirse! Don’t worry, babe. Your Oscar is coming soon!

T: Yeah and I think she knows that, so we cool this year.

Supporting Actor

Christian Bale – The Big Short

Tom Hardy – The Revenant

Mark Ruffalo – Spotlight

Mark Rylance – Bridge of Spies

Sylvester Stallone – Creed

S: OMG this category blows. My vote is for Mark Ruffalo because he usually adds value to most films. I am blindly assuming he made Spotlight better.

T: Yeah I wouldn’t be upset if Ruffalo took it. Go Mark! Why not give it to Sylvester Stallone, just for a laugh?

S: It’s not funny to make Sylvestor Stallone an Oscar winner. This is like when Three 6 Mafia won an Oscar.

T: What the hell is Three 6 Mafia?

S: It’s 2006, the handsome Jon Stewart is hosting and Three 6 Mafia wins Best Original Song for the acclaimed “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp.” Queen Latifah announces the winner and can’t even contain her confusion. Jon Stewart utters the famous quote “I just want to make something very clear: Martin Scorsese, zero Oscars; Three 6 Mafia, one.”

T: Oh god I remember! THEY BEAT DOLLY PARTON FOR BEST SONG. Sacrilege. Also, ‘the handsome Jon Stewart’? Okay Mom.

S: I happen to find Jon Stewart very attractive. He was a mediocre host, but still.

Supporting Actress

Jennifer Jason Leigh – The Hateful Eight

Rooney Mara – Carol

Rachel McAdams – Spotlight

Alicia Vikander – Ex Machina

Kate Winslet – Steve Jobs

T: Firstly, Rachel McAdams stole Jane Fonda’s nomination. I mean I’m sure she’s a nice girl and all but it’s fucking J. Fo, for Christ’s sake. Rooney Mara and Alicia Vikander are both leads, so shouldn’t be here anyway. Who’s going to take this? Winslet just won the Globe…do we think she’s the frontrunner here? OH GOD we could have Kate and Leo winning on the same night! Amazing.

S: No no no. Thomas, Kate’s fine. She won for The Reader. We don’t want a Meryl repeat where she wins for a crap film. And let the Kate and Leo thing go. She married Ned Rocknroll, we can’t trust her love life anymore.

T: As Amy Lavelle said here on Spindle, “I don’t know which is more offensive; his first name or his last”

S: Kudos, Amy. You’re going to change your last name to Rocknroll and you’re like you know what would sound really cool with that… Ned?

T: Also, I did not like The Reader.

S: Well that’s something we will need to discuss, in length, over Skype. Because she was amazing. But in anycase, Kate does not need a Best Supporting and especially not for this crap Steve Jobs film where she didn’t do anything.

T: Okay then who deserves it? I’d be happy with Rooney.

S: Alicia Vikander is giving me major big star vibes and I want her to win everything. Actually, wait. If this is how I feel then she should not win Best Supporting as it can be the kiss of death and she’s a lead! Fine I’ll be okay with Rooney. She’s quaint.

T: You haven’t seen Carol, which makes you gaycist.

S: YOU STOLE IT FROM ME. You stole Carol and Brooklyn and Suffragette! Damn UK release dates.

T: I’m sorry the release dates changed and I got to review it first. 

S: I’m also curious as to why Rachel McAdams specifically stole J.Fo’s nod…?

T: J.Fo was a shoo-in the whole time, and Rachel McAdams was a maybe at best. All the other nominees were locked-in quite a while ago, ergo Rachel McAdams stole J.Fo’s nomination. Rachel McAdams is really short. I saw her in Toronto at the LCBO at Dundas and Dovercourt one time.

Director

Lenny Abrahamson – Room

Alejandro G Iñárritu – The Revenant

Tom McCarthy – Spotlight

Adam McKay – The Big Short

George Miller – Mad Max: Fury Road

T: Lenny Abrahamson for Room but no Todd Haynes for Carol? Really? Isn’t the whole thing about Room that the film is less good than the performances? How the fuck did this happen? I am so upset. All these other people can fuck off. I’m sure Iñárritu will probably take it and we can all go take a nap.

S: Yes. Iñárritu will win. He will talk about the passion of filmmaking and I will be like YES Iñárritu! I’m into this!

T: He won last year. He needs to back the fuck up.

S: Well then they should have included someone who is a decent contender. Like if Ridley was there they could be doing the Stallone thing and be like “here take this, here’s an award 30 years later.” Or as my friend Keri Wallace said “It could be his Training Day” Shout out to Keri Wallace who also cares a lot about pop culture.

T: I would have said Todd Haynes (obvs) but also Andrew Haigh for 45 Years. You know what? Let’s just fuck it all and include whoever directed Trainwreck or Sisters or Grandma or some other lady picture.

S: So our final decision is the director of Sisters? I’m okay with that.

T: Yes. Jason Moore should have been nominated for Sisters.

S: This is how little we care about this category. There is now a space in my brain that knows the Director of Sisters’ name.

Adapted Screenplay

The Big Short

Brooklyn

Carol

The Martian

Room

T: Everyone is wanking over The Big Short, but we all know this should go to Carol. Phyllis Nagy’s script is beautiful. But because MEN is the theme this year, it will go to Explosion in the Wig Factory II.

S: Thomas nailed it. I can’t add anything here at the risk of being redundant.

Original Screenplay

Bridge of Spies

Ex Machina

Inside Out

Spotlight

Straight Outta Compton

T: I bet this goes to Spotlight because it’s such an Important film with lots of well-meaning white men in it.

S: Spotlight lost to Philadelphia in 1993.

T: Inside Out. Hands down.

S: INSIDE OUT IS ABOUT A LITTLE GIRL’S FEELINGS. It should win.

T: It’s one of the few films in the whole list that deals with women and feelings, and seeing as Carol ain’t gonna get shit then Inside Out should.

S: Agreed. Preach.

Cinematography

Carol

The Hateful Eight

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Revenant

Sicario

T: Well Steph, you’re the cinematographer so you tell me? I vote Carol, because they did a thing with a type of film and stuff (I can’t remember all the clever things about cameras I wrote in my review.)

S: Odd category. My money is on The Revenant because they went into the wilderness and the cinematographer froze to death.

T: Ugh, how long are they going to bang on about the wilderness element? You’re a Canadian cinematographer. You go out into the cold with a camera and freeze to death all the time. You should have an Oscar. In fact, I’m changing my vote. Stephanie Coffey for the win.

S: YES. STEPHANIE COFFEY for the win. I’m going to be a big star. But these people are in Hollywood. They don’t understand snow there so they are very impressed with these men and the elements.

Costume Design

Carol

Cinderella

The Danish Girl

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Revenant

T: I vote Carol once again. Magnificent. I hope The Danish Girl doesn’t get it because I want that film to go away empty-handed and think about what it’s done. Also, Sandy Powell is a legend so if she wins for Carol or Cinders then I’d be happy.

S: Sigh. There were A LOT of dresses in The Danish Girl. So. Many. Pretty. Dresses. I would be happy with Carol or The Danish Girl.  

Best Make-up and Hair

Mad Max: Fury Road

The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared

The Revenant

T: Firstly, what is this film called The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared? The Academy are now making films up just to see if anyone’s paying attention in the smaller categories.

S: This is like hour three of the show. Everyone’s bored and like “fuck, just get to Best Actor and Actress so I can turn it off and find out about Best Picture tomorrow.” They throw in this fake film just to see if you’ve fallen asleep. The Academy is all like ‘Gotcha.” The Academy, they’re such pranksters.

T: Will Mad Max get this one? Oh God, it’s going to be The Revenant isn’t it!

S: You know what? I was going to go on a diatribe about how the makeup was actually really good in Mad Max. I was really impressed. I forgot it’s a bunch of old white dudes who are going to be really impressed with how Leo has icicles on his face in the wilderness.

T: Can we just refer to Revenant as The Wilderness from now on?

S: You took the words right out of my mouth…

Production Design

Bridge of Spies

The Danish Girl

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Martian

The Revenant

T: Oof, tricky: how do you put costume stuff against sci-fi stuff? The Academy leans towards costume dramas in these categories so I’m thinking Danish Girl or Wilderness takes it. Although there is a lot of love for Mad Max, so it could swoop in and take it.

S: I know you still think The Danish Girl should sit in the corner and think about what it did. But those sets were really stunning. I’m going to vote Danish Girl. If they only win the side awards, like the ones where really talented people tried really hard, is that okay?

T: Okay fine. I will accept craft awards because that was the only thing good about it.

T: There are some other awards, but I don’t care about those.

S: Phew I didn’t want to do anymore either. Production Design is where I draw the line. I really only pay attention to the other awards because I’m in this pool where forty bucks is at stake…

 

Theatre Review: Bull @ The Young Vic

There’s a reason why Mike Bartlett’s funny and brutal ‘Bull’ runs only 55 minutes. If you sat through two and a half hours of this, you would lose your mind. 

We’re invited to spectate as three employees at an unnamed corporation battle it out to keep their jobs. Corporate downsizing means one of them is about to be fired, and big boss Carter (Nigel Lindsay) is coming any minute to decide who’s for the chopping block: icy, manipulative Isobel (Susannah Fielding), cocky, arrogant Tony (Max Bennett) or jittery, insecure Thomas (Marc Wootton).

The action takes place in a boxing ring, and there couldn’t be a more appropriate setting to witness the bullying, power-plays and outright psychological warfare waged by Isobel and Tony against hapless Thomas. Marc Wootton’s portrayal of a man out of his depth in this cutthroat world is faultless, sadly suggesting that this may not be a unique situation for one of life’s perennial losers. Bennett and Fielding tear into their roles with glee, aptly circling him like bloodhounds ready to take down the weakest of the pack.

Director Clare Lizzimore manages to marry the raw physicality of a boxing match with the outward civility of a 21st-century office environment. Isobel’s sleek hair and perfect make-up belie her barely-concealed viciousness, while at one point the lean, muscular Tony displays his washboard torso to Thomas for a good five minutes as a primal declaration of superiority. (Unbelievably I was seated directly behind Max Bennett during this sequence, and therefore denied what was undoubtedly a glorious view).

Carter finally arrives and while he offers helpful take-downs of each of the characters, (a wonderful, brief performance from Lindsay as the boss we’ve all had who just has no time for all your whinging), he’s ultimately on the side of the alphas.

Max Bennett is convincing as Tony, fully inhabiting his smarm and public-school superiority complex, but he draws the short straw with a character who gets much less to do than his sparring partners. Instead the spoils go to Susannah Fielding, who gets to deliver the powerhouse speech that brings the play to its climax and finally brings Thomas’ house of cards tumbling down.

Bartlett offers no easy answers: ‘Bull’ asks what happens when we abandon our compassion and attack those perceived to be weaker than us. The answer, apparently, is that we survive.

• ‘Bull’ is on at The Young Vic until January 16th. Tickets £25; £10 ringside standing tickets are available for each performance.